I.Am.Done.

I feel so sad. I’ve come to a realisation and feel like my heart has been wrenched from my chest.

Many months ago a friend came into my life, and my world was turned upside down.

This friend changed my way of being and I instantly fell deeply in love.

Loving words were exchanged, followed quickly by loving acts, and my heart was gone, it no longer belonged to me.

The blissful happiness lasted only a few months before the goal posts were changed.

“We” were a little secret, nothing conducted in public, with many trysts taking place in private – something which seemed entirely appropriate at the time.

But then something changed, and the whole friendship apparently needed to be redefined – none of which was to my liking.

Promises which were made felt like they were being retracted, although denials were made about their intent.

My head listened, my heart refused to believe it. Surely this was a mistake, what had changed to bring about this change of heart?

But I accepted the new conditions, just a friendship, no benefits, as no promises had ever been made for the future apparently.

And so things continued, happily enough I guess, with daily contact and regular catchups.

But it seems in recent weeks things have changed again. The contact has dwindled, the visits have almost stopped, and a whole lot of hurt has set in on my behalf.

I feel that I have been ‘replaced’, something to which I’ve unfortunately become accustomed.

I knew that this would happen, I’m hurt and disappointed because the reason given for the halt in our relationship was that he wanted to be alone.

And despite my queries he has assured me that he and his work colleague are ‘just friends’. I want to believe it, but it just doesn’t sit right. I’m sure something is going on and I want to be okay with it, but I can’t escape the ill feeling in my guts, the churning, the questioning, the lack of explanation and the increasing absence.

I’m trying to suck it up, but I just feel slightly devastated. I’m hurt beyond words, tears will fall at the thought of this mess, and I’m struggling to hold it together.

It’s funny though, because as these thoughts tumble from my mind and onto the page, my hurt has subsided a little.

My angst is easing, my self loathing slightly evaporating, and my anger subsiding.

I still want to scream, I want to stamp my feet and punch something til my fists hurt, anything to take my pain away. But I won’t, cos I would hate for people to see the real me, the hurt me, the one who isn’t coping, when I am always counted on to be strong.

God forbid anybody see the me who hurts, who feels every emotion so strongly, who struggles to keep it together for the sake of my child.

Not many people have seen that side of me. The side that wants to curl up into a ball and sob my sad eyes out. It’s not pretty, and it’s not done often, as like I said, the tough exterior remains hard to be cracked.

So perhaps I should walk away, from the relationship as a whole. Put it behind me and appreciate it for what it was, rather than what it wasn’t. Cos the longer this drags on the more resentment is building in me. I feel like I have been used until something – or more to the point, someone – better has come along. It’s not good for already flagging self-confidence.

Perhaps I walk away, head held high, knowing I helped a friend in need, ensuring that their life was brighter with my friendship.

I think he is confused, I know he loves me, but I no longer understand in what capacity. And again comes the frustration and my confusion – and obviously my hurt (which seems to be the word of this blog!!!)

I just want the pain to go away, the situation to never have happened perhaps. Yes I wouldn’t have the lovely things he has bought me, but I also wouldn’t have experienced the heartache and heartbreak which has gone hand in hand this entire time.

I no longer want to be at his beck and call, just waiting for him to return my call or sms. It’s rude and I hate being ignored. I’ve lost count of the hours I’ve spent just waiting for him to get in touch. Or waiting for him to turn up at a prearranged time, only to be stood up, left waiting like a fool.

I can tell as I type that the resentment is flowing from my fingertips. And as I sit and think sorrow is bubbling up. Sorrow for having hurt me. For possibly having hurt my child. Sorrow for the hope you gave me. I want my feelings for you to leave my body. And I never want to be hurt like this again.

I can’t take the games anymore. I won’t. It’s going to stop. It has to stop. That’s it – it’s over, I’m done, and you are going to become part of my history. Thanks for the memories, unfortunately your recent behaviour has led to some of those happy memories being tainted by hurt (that word keeps popping up). But if I stop now perhaps that too will stop and you will just become a distant memory who brings a smile to my face when I think of you.

Yes, I think that's what I need to do. I will do. It is done.

Mwah, Ellie xxx

Thinking about (not) drinking

I do love a drink, a bevvy, a tipple or a slug - don't get me wrong, but I'm just slightly over it at the moment.

In fact I'm thinking about not drinking for a while. I know I've said this before but I'm feeling a little bit more serious this time.

I've been socialising my socks off for the past little while, and it's been a blast. But now I'm feeling like perhaps a period of abstinence might be a good idea.

The festive season has been particularly festive for me, so many parties, so much fun to be had - it feels like I'm reliving my teenage years - despite the fact I grew up so fast.

But I'm feeling like some things in my life need to change, new directions need to be taken, and new goals set.

I'm not a big fan of making New Year's resolutions, I would rather make life choices if and when they seem appropriate. I think a lot of people set themselves up for failure by making grand decisions based on the days on a calendar.

But I guess the fact the dawn of a new year is upon us often prompts us to reassess our lives, and to identify ways in which they could be improved.

I know I've raved on before about how things in my personal life are far from satisfactory, and I'm hoping that come the New Year decisions will be made to bring some of these issues to an end.

I'm also hoping that 2011 will bring with it an improvement in my love life. While I am enjoying time with my precious A and even just my own company, it would be nice to spend time with a good man who worships the ground I walk on (am I hoping for too much???).

Everyone keeps telling me that this will come to me, but I'm yet to be convinced. It seems so difficult to meet decent, age-appropriate men in this fishbowl in which I live.

But I shouldn't complain because my life is pretty freaking awesome, filled with loved and loving family and cherished friends whose support I appreciate.

So here are Diet Coke cheers to a new year - with much health and happiness to all in my life.

Mwah, Ellie xxx

Cathartic conversations

I've just had the most therapeutic conversation with a friend.

I've been bottling up some concerns for weeks now, mulling it over, rolling it round and round inside my brain.

It took me this long to sit and write a letter to my friend, telling them my concerns and my feelings, really putting the spotlight on how our relationship was being reflected.

Ridiculous really, writing is my second nature. I do it for a living - and words are generally my friends.

But for some reason I felt I couldn't bring this topic up - and now I realise how silly it was.

I'm a big fan of being honest, as touched on by me in previous blogs, but I had to suck it up and sit down and write - and once I did it all came gushing out.

And I can't even begin to tell you how much better I feel.

I'm sure you all know just how much you can build things up in your mind, make mountains out of molehills, and just construe things in a manner in which they weren't intended.

And so I sat, and wrote, and wrote, and wrote. Tears fell as I typed, but all the while I did feel like a weight had been lifted from my shoulders.

I was honest, brutally in fact.

And then a conversation eventuated in response - and all was good.

Our friendship will be all the better for this conversation, I'm so glad I grew some balls to do it.

I highly recommend taking the opportunity to clear the air whenever anything arises. Life is way too short to dwell. If something is bothering or upsetting you, fix it - you could get hit by a bus tomorrow.

What do they say? Carpe Diem - seize the day. Never a truer word has been spoken.

Much love, Mwah Ellie xxx

Honesty really is the best policy.

I'm a big fan of being honest. Take me or leave me - but I'll never lie to your face.

I don't have it in me. I would rather tell the truth and be seen as brutal than be known as someone whose word can't be trusted.

And I expect the same in return, if you can't be honest with me then I would rather you are not in my life - I have no time for cheats nor liars, as can be seen from my past.

I've blogged before about how as I have grown up (perhaps older rather than up!!!) and experienced my fair share of heartbreak that my once unshakeable natural tendency to trust has slowly been eroded, eaten away by aforementioned cheats and liars.

And while I still try to take people at face value there is always a little question mark above a new acquaintance's head, until I ascertain their intentions and decipher their personality.

This isn't difficult for me to do though as I'm a naturally inquisitive person, 17 years as a journo will do that to someone!!!

But of late there have been times when I'm unsure if I've been lied to, or if someone has simply failed to mention the truth. It's not a bold-faced lie, rather an avoidance of the issue. But does this make it a lie?

I think I need to continue to allow this issue to roll around in my head a little more til I can come to a considered conclusion.

Stay posted and I will let you know.

Til then, Merry Christmas

Mwah Ellie xxx

Counting down

I've just had a conversation with a friend about what my plans are for New Year's Eve - and to be honest I'm not exactly sure what I feel the need to do.

If I can be blunt, as I usually am, this year has been completely fucked. So many bad things have happened, so many good people have been hurt, and so much shit has gone down.

There actually aren't too many bright spots that I recall. I did get a new job, which I am loving, and with it came new friends whom I adore, but the rest of my life has seemed a little cruddy.

Don't get me wrong, I haven't walked around with a look of sour disdain on my face all year. I've smiled and laughed at every opportunity. As promised I've taken the time to smell the roses and to just sit and be within myself, but sometimes it has felt like a constant battle with the universe.

And it seems I'm not alone. So many other people have been decrying the evil that was 2010. They are just about begging for 2011 to arrive and bring with it new hope for a brighter future.

I want to be a big believer in making your own luck (it's a bit hard for me as I think I must have done something rather shit to bring about the luck I have had), but I do believe in positive vibes and trying your best to be your best. I refuse to let myself be dragged down by all the negativity, and I will continue to strive to set a super example for my precious A.

I'm hoping that by year's end A and I have a clear idea of where our home will be, and as part of that I hope that this war between her father and I will end so that we can form some kind of 'alliance' when it comes to raising her as the happy child I desire.

I also hope for good health for some of my friends and their families, as illness at this time of year always seems to hit harder. You and yours will always be in my thoughts and my love and support is unwavering.

And so I return to my plans for NYE. Do I wish to send this terrible year out in the way it deserves - ie writing it (and myself) off. Or should I politely farewell it and gently welcome 2011 in a calm and sensible manner, hoping that vibe continues?

That, dear readers, is quite the question.

Mwah, Ellie xxx

Revelations - but not of the religious kind.

I had a revelation this morning, one that made me feel sick to my stomach.

I was having a shower (please don't have a visual, nobody wants to see that!!!) and thinking about life in general as one does. I do this often, if it came down to it, give me a shower, some lemon body wash and quality shampoo and I could achieve world peace if given enough time. But I digress ...

So, I was thinking about events that have taken place during the past couple of days and how they have made me feel.

And then I started thinking back to previous situations and what I have perceived them to be - and it hit me, I have been a fool, not just foolish, but an actual fool. I have read far more into situations than I ever should have. The writing may as well have been on the wall and I still would not have seen it.

The warning signs were there, again I chose to ignore them as ignorance really is bliss.

I feel so stupid. I also feel a little angry. But I will deal with that.

Things have changed. That is obvious. I have changed too. I am stronger, more confident and aware - and that needs to be carried through to all situations.

And dear friends, all alone in my lovely hot shower the above hit me and out of nowhere a wave of nausea washed over me. It took me a second to piece it all together, but strangely enough I feel cleansed, not just in a physical way, but on a whole other level which I am having trouble identifying.

Here's to a soulful day.

Mwah Ellie xxx

Hurt feelings

Why is it that words from some people carry more weight - and in some cases cut deeper - than those of others?

Words are just words. They can be used for loving and they most certainly can be used for fighting. The loving words fall around us, playing gently on our egos, but those used in anger often resonate for far longer, setting up camp for an extended period in your brain, sometimes slipping out of memory, but never for long.

I struggle to remember the last time someone said something so nice to me that it made me cry (happy tears), but I can tell you exactly the last time someone of significance said something that cut straight to the bone and hurt like hell - it was not quite two hours ago - hence the need for the blog!!!

Without going into too much detail, I made a comment which was in all honestly critical, not of a person, but of an act, and it instantly caused offence. I was called 'catty', a word I personally detest. And a word I didn't think I deserved. I made a professional criticism, and was criticised for it.

The conversation was terminated pretty quickly after that (not by me), with the invitation for me to let my friend know when I wanted to 'chat sensibly again'.

Hmmm, now it seems not only am I catty, but I am not sensible - and understandably (in my opinion) I've got my back up now.

For those of you who know me, you will appreciate that I take both my profession and my common sense, or sensibility, pretty seriously. Don't get me wrong, I love to muck about and be silly, and I'm open to constructive criticism, but one thing I'm not is 'silly' (my interpretation of not being sensible).

Given that those words have come from a friend they have hurt far more than coming from Joe Average off the street.

And what possibly hurt the most was that I was painted as 'the bad guy', when all I have done is love and support and utter copious words of affection and praise to this friend. One thing I'm not generally is nasty, unless you really get on my bad side, and then, my friends, you will know about it.

So, where to from here? I don't wish to argue with my friend, but I do need to stand up for myself I feel, to make it clear that I am entitled to an opinion. Should I apologise? I believe life is far too short for arguments, but are we really arguing?

Should I give it time? Time heals all hurt they say. But is my friend hurt? Or is is just my feelings?

At this point I don't know what to do. I don't want to fight with my precious friend, but I feel I have been treated unfairly.

Maybe a good night's sleep will bring clarity to me in the morning.

Sweet dreams dear friends.

Mwah Ellie xxx

Does another year older really mean another year wiser?

That time of year has rolled round when I'm left feeling nostalgic, reflective, and downright pensive.

And before you ask, no it's not the festive season, it's the eve of my 34th birthday. Here's to another year, which is supposed to make me another year wiser.

I guess in some ways I am feeling wiser, I no longer have those same trusting blinkers on I've worn for much of my previous 33 years. I no longer have 'trusting' as my default setting given the extreme abuses of said trust which have occurred during recent years.

So, what have I learned during the last year which has increased my wisdom?

I guess I have learned a lot about myself during the past 12 months, given the huge amount of time I have spent either on my own, or in the company of my precious A.

I now know that I can deal with most situations, calling on my new-found reservoir of strength. I am a strong woman who will do anything to protect my child, and now to protect myself and my family and friends.

I have learned the true value of friends and the importance of having a select group whom you would trust with your life. While my base group of friends has not changed for the past 20 years, I have since added just a handful of awesome, like-minded chicks who 'get' me. They, and in some cases their partners, have become part of my support network and I will be forever grateful to them for their love and help during the past 19 months.

I have learned to control my temper ever so slightly more. It's amazing what taking a few deep breaths and walking away from a situation can achieve. Where I used to stamp my feet and yell, I now try to remove myself in a bid to defuse the situation and - I know it's kinda out there - I have taken to keeping my mouth shut until I cool down, that way hurtful words can't be spoken in the heat of the moment. I know, I know, me with my mouth shut is not a common occurrence!!!

I've also learned that it's okay to be me. I don't have to be like anyone else, to imitate their style, or to shadow their life. I am fast becoming happy with myself, of course there are things I would love to change (losing those last few kgs etc), but I've realised that I'm actually a good person who has a lot to offer.

And I've also learned that my life is pretty freaking awesome just as it is. I've spoken in earlier blogs about learning to appreciate what I do have, rather than long for what I do not. In recent days I have heard humbling stories of hardship and they really have made me sit back and take stock.

I have a gorgeous, happy and healthy daughter, a loving family and wonderfully supportive friends - what more could a gal want???

On a final note, I have also learned that one cannot ever eat enough birthday cake, especially fresh chocolate cake, so indulge I shall, until this almost 34yo body can take no more.

Happy birthday to me.

Mwah, Ellie xxx

PS I love you

A few weeks ago I made a pledge with myself to live in the now, meeting life's challenges head on and appreciating what exists within my world, rather than longing for what is not.

Living without regrets isn't as easy as it sounds, but I'm getting there.

I am endeavouring to embrace just being, enjoying life and its beauty, and ensuring those around me know they are loved.

I have found myself smiling more, stopping to enjoy a burst of sunshine, laughing at life's funny moments and just generally feeling more alive.

I have stopped dwelling on what I believe I am missing out on, although I still find myself thinking about my loneliness in some of my quieter moments.

I have been telling my nearest and dearest just how I feel about them, making sure they know they are very much loved and appreciated. Often it's not reciprocated, but I feel good for saying it, for letting them see that they are valued, and on a ridiculous note, I worry that if I don't tell someone I love them, and then something was to happen to them, that they would never know. Slightly bizarre, but given events in my past, completely logical to myself!!!

I have also allowed myself to take time out to just 'be'. To sit idly on the couch and watch a favourite show, or to have a sleep in, or to enjoy a drink or naughty cigarette on the front step late at night. Time to reflect has been nice, rather than rushing through my day and collapsing into bed without a few minutes to even think about anything.

I'm feeling a lot more settled, not as fearful of the future and generally happier in myself.

On the eve of my birthday I'm hoping that my next year will bring much more joy for A and I (as well as of course a settlement with my property dispute) and widespread health and happiness for my close friends and family.

Here's to the pursuit of happiness dear friends.

Mwah, Ellie xxx

Decluttering

I have come to a bit of a realisation; I'm a people pleaser, I love to please, and I love to feel appreciated.

It hurts me when I do something for others, expecting that they too will have the decency (perhaps too strong a word???) to give me the same consideration in return. I don't think they do it on purpose, but it stings all the same.

I've mentioned before my extreme disdain for ignored SMSs, but this goes one step further.

I no longer have to consider anyone else in my life except for my precious A. I don't have a partner whose needs I have to accommodate or predict. But I do have others in my life whose needs I constantly attempt to pander to. But no longer. I'm done putting it all out there only to be ignored, forgotten or simply considered surplus to requirements.

I'm too tired to be blogging at the moment, but really needed to get this out of my head.

I'm feeling a little antsy at the moment, I think a lot of it has to do with my ongoing legal battle with A's father, plus the fact he has a new girlfriend and is obviously moving on with his life, while I feel I'm still treading water. Don't get me wrong, I'm happy that he has found someone, I hope it makes him happy and therefore easier for me to deal with. But, if I'm honest with myself, I'm envious that he has that, especially after leaving us, while I'm still riding solo - but that's a whole other blog topic!!!

Anyhow, so back to the being ignored issue, I took the bold move of deleting some numbers out of my phone tonight, and when I say deleted, I mean deleted messages, deleted contact details, and I even went into my calls history and deleted all dialled calls as well. There is no way back from this. I no longer have those numbers - and I don't have them written down anywhere. These people are now persona non grata in my life - and I feel a bit relieved by that.

So, if you don't hear from me, but you want to - the ball is now in your court. I'm always up for a game!!!

Mwah, Ellie xxx

Home again - for now

I haven't been blogging much of late, it's been a crazy busy few weeks - but there is now light at the end of the tunnel. Phew.

I've just got back from Tassie from a full on work trip, plus immediately prior to that we finished our very own magazine and industry annual report - both of which I'm extremely proud.

I'm super tired, but again super proud of our efforts. I'm looking forward to just chilling out with my gal for a few days, but given the current hectic nature of our life it's probably not going to happen.

And just when I felt like I could start to relax, I found out that my 'property dispute' with A's father is due back in court on Wednesday - I just feel like 'when oh when will this ever end?'

I feel ever so slightly in limbo, I know I've rabbited on about this before, but I can't move on with my life until A and I know where we are going to be living. She wants to put the Christmas tree up, and wants to clean out what will be her cubby house - and I'm stalling. I'm stalling as I don't want her to get all excited about things and then for us to have to move house. I haven't even mentioned the possibility to her as that is something little people shouldn't have to worry about.

I have been looking at other houses, but none of them measure up to my place. I designed this place, I oversaw it's construction and I picked out every little detail - all with no help from A's father.

It is my home, our home, and I am determined to stay here - but that said, it's out of my hands at the moment, and now in the hands of our lawyers - the only people who seem to be 'winning' out of our sad situation.

Hopefully we won't have much longer to wait, although it has been almost three months since our last court date, 12 months since the court process started, and 19 months since A's father left us.

With those timelines in mind you can imagine how I am keen to move forward, to start planning my and A's life, so that we can get on with things knowing that we have a permanent home.

Many people have said to me that A and I would make any house in which we lived a home with our warmth and love, and I tend to agree, but I would just like to know where the house, and indeed that home, will be.

So keep your fingers crossed that our matter is resolved - I have made an offer which everyone I speak to considers to be more than fair, so I hope that A's daddy finally agrees.

I'll let you all know how I get on.

Mwah, Ellie xxx

Turning over a new leaf

I've done some things of late of which I'm not proud. Found myself in some inappropriate situations, and reacted in ways which are very un-Ellie-like.

And while I've known they weren't right, it's taken til a very honest and confronting conversation with a precious friend tonight to put my finger on what has been behind this bad behaviour.

I don't feel comfortable going into the specifics, but let's just say I have violated my own strong moral code. I'm not proud, but I refuse to allow myself to live with regrets. Let's just say what has been done cannot be undone. I will go forward, I will not regret it, but then again I will not repeat those same mistakes.

It appears I try to 'fix' myself with indulgences. Whether that be material possessions or affection, it seems to be true.

I crave attention/affection. I guess most of us do. I love nothing more than feeling loved, that wonderful sense of being the centre of someone's world. It's a reassuring feeling knowing that someone thinks you are just the best.

I haven't felt it for a while now. It's been ages since someone told me I was their princess, that their world orbited around mine, and that my needs came first in their priorities.

Of course I know I am A's world. That goes without saying. But she knows no different. I adore being showered with hugs and told that she loves me 16 out of 10. And it's heartwarming when I come home from work to be told "Oh mumma, I really missed you while you were at work". Moments like these bring me endless joy - and I do remind myself how lucky I am.

However I am slowly getting used to the fact that perhaps it's meant to be that I fly solo. And I need to reassure myself that that is ok.

I don't need to indulge myself to bury that pain. I need to embrace it, face the fact that perhaps it is best if I am single for a while.

A wise friend told me that I should never place my happiness in the hands of another. I don't think truer words have ever been spoken. I need to work on making myself happy. I don't think I need to be 'fixed', I'm pretty awesome just the way I am.

I have many talents, my life is in fact rather awesome, but just a tad lonely.

So rather than material possessions I intend to fill that numbing void with my own thoughts, my own plans, and devise a way to achieve the woman I want to be.

I shall be strong, I shall be interesting, I shall be happy. I shall also be the best mother to A that I can be. She will be proud, and she will grow to become a strong, independent and proud young woman with a mother who is a positive role model.

While A's happiness is paramount, I also need to acknowledge that a happy mother raises a happy child. If I am happy, then so shall she be.

I feel good in confronting this. I've been avoiding facing my fears for a while. I've buried them under a host of behaviours - and not all of them have been healthy.

So here's to the future, to a stronger, healthier and happier Ellie.

And here's also to having wise friends, particularly my two Ks - this gal genuinely appreciates your friendship, and my life is richer with you in it.

Mwah, Ellie xxx

Breathing a little easier

I faced my own mortality today. Seems a little dramatic. I thought so too. Until the doctor told me the bald facts.

Continue living with my (until today) undiagnosed sleep apnoea and within 15 years I would be in real trouble. We are talking stroke, heart attack, and a host of other related problems.

Bugger.

So, during my trip to Hamilton today to follow up on last month's sleep study I learned I have 'very severe chronic obstructive sleep apnoea'. Doesn't sound like a lot of fun. But my study showed I am being disturbed 80 times a minute while asleep. Put simply, my body struggles to breathe the entire time I am asleep, resulting in little or no rest each and every night.

Double bugger.

But at least it's an explanation for how exhausted I feel, and I have felt this rotten for a very long time.

It also explains my reliance on caffeine and nicotine to stay awake, and my desire to have regular catnaps - even though I rarely get the chance. I am a walking zombie.

But there is treatment available. So, the next step is to have another sleep study, this time with a CPAP breathing mask and pump, so that the experts can ascertain how much pressure is needed in the mask to keep my airways open all night. Then I just need to get used to wearing it every night - and enjoy the health benefits that flow.

But I am a bit concerned, cos those masks are anything but sexy, and dear readers, as you will know, I am very single.

I'm pretty sure that they are hardly a turn on. I'm just thinking how a, ahem, sleepover might go. And I don't like the thought of it. But I guess I will cross that bridge when I come to it.

And I have to consider my little A in all of this. I have no intention, as a friend of mine pointed out, of 'checking out early'. I will do all that I can to ensure I'm around for as long as possible for A. She is my life, and she needs her Mummy.

I'm also thinking of the newfound energy I will have, and part of me is a teeny bit excited. Perhaps it might mean I will be able to bound out of bed (too much???) and do all of that exercise I keep promising myself to do. Or I might be able to get out of bed before lunchtime on my childfree days. Or I might even just feel human again - wow, wouldn't that be nice!!!???

Anyhow, I've got another six weeks to wait for my next sleep study and CPAP fitting, so until then, I will have to remain a zombie - but at least there is light (or sleep) at the end of the tunnel.

Sweet dreams people.

Mwah Ellie xxx

Too many tears

I need to write this down. I need to get it out of my head.

So much shouting, so much name calling. Ugly words spoken, can't be taken back. Too much hurt. Too many tears.

How did it get to this? And why? And when will it end?

Arghhhhhh .....

Two days of fun-filled work, a sensational therapeutic acupuncture session and excitement at being reunited with A after four days away from her all came crashing down with a few harsh words from her father.

My genuine query about what they had been up to while I had been away was met with defensiveness, deflection, and downright accusations.

What business of mine was it, apparently, to probe into their time. Why did I care, why should I care, and so on and so forth ...

My reply was one of astonishment. My interest in my child's life is my major concern. I love her, I want to talk to her about what she's been up to. I don't think it's too big of an ask.

But I'm a bad person, apparently. I manipulate, I blame, I abuse - in his opinion. Apparently I'm manipulating my family, telling stories about them and him, and others are reporting back. I find this so very hard to believe, as it's simply not true. I have only ever spoken the truth - which obviously he finds too hard to believe himself. It's hard when you are at fault, when you are the one to blame for tearing a family apart. It must be a terrible cross to bear. I wouldn't know, as I've never done it.

Oh, and apparently I am far from perfect (keep in mind I can't ever recall declaring myself such) - and I should be looking at myself to see why the men in my life keep cheating on me. Again, super harsh, super mean, super cruel.

The words ripped at my heart, my instinct was to attack - but I found it hard to speak with the tears falling.

I could only manage to say that I found it so very hard to be perfect while dealing with the death of my beloved sister, and the pressure of being a brand new mum. I'm sorry, I said, I'm so sorry that I had to deal with this - but I had no choice.

My only choice would have been to keep my sister, but it was not an option, so I dealt with her loss the best way I could, by seeking refuge in my daughter, absorbing myself in her care.

But the words still sting. Why can't we just get along. Just smile and be kind, for the sake of our child.

Unfortunately we are tied together for life, through A. At some stage we need to get along - the sooner the better as far as I'm concerned.

There were so many other mean things said tonight. I genuinely tried to be polite, but I must admit my anger and hurt overwhelmed me.

I chose to walk away though, to shut the door and shed my tears in private.

Family and friends rallied immediately, more tears, more hugs, kind words.

And a special visit from my bestie, soothing words, warm hugs, and reassurance that I am a good person who deserves to be loved.

What would I do without my bestie? He's my rock, my heart and my soul - I love you honey xxx

Mwah Ellie xxx

Making my mark

I had to do a rather important thing today. Stand up on stage at the Mary MacKillop canonisation celebrations in Penola and introduce and interview an interesting woman who has chronicled our first Saint's life for a movie.

And it got me thinking.

Mary MacKillop obviously has made a super huge mark on not only Australia, but the world.

But if I died tomorrow - what mark would I have left on the world. Hmmm, now that's a scary thought.

I have often thought that one of my aims in life, now that I am a mummy, is to do things which will make my precious A proud.

It's not my driving force in life, but it's something I'm conscious of. I hope that when she is older, she will look back and see that not only did I strive to do the best I could for her, often under trying circumstances, but also that I tried to 'do good' in general.

I guess the thing of which I am the proudest, which can be measured, is the 'Every Drop Counts' campaign, which led to the reinstatement of a visiting blood collection service in Mt Gambier.

The campaign, the largest of its kind ever run in the region, was a resounding success, attracting 15,000 signatures in less than two months on a petition calling for the service's reinstatement.

I am super proud of that achievement, which was done after my younger sister's leukaemia diagnosis. It was done during an extremely passionate period during my life. A time when I would have done anything to make B better, to find a matching donor for her, and I honestly hoped that someone else could also be helped.

So I guess with that in mind I have made a mark on Mt Gambier, hardly the world.

Not too shabby an effort though. Obviously not in the league of Mary, but I guess it's all relative.

And I guess it's a decent effort to be invited to stand on stage in front of thousands of people and speak about Australia's first saint.

With that in mind, I'm sure A will be proud of me for a whole range of reasons.

Mwah, Ellie xxx

Midnight ramblings

It's late. I should be in bed. I'm child-free tonight, yet I'm home alone and thinking.

I'm not sure about you, but I think that I think too much. I overthink things. I'm trying not to, but all too often I find myself overanalysing things.

I read too much into things. Someone doesn't get back to me, I think I've done something to offend them. Someone looks at me in a way which I deem 'strange', and they are obviously thinking bad things about me.

I had a situation today where I was in a group of mums and their kids, and there were two women there who were loosely associated with men in my life.

It was obvious that neither of these women liked me, meh, as someone said to me, between them they could barely muster half a personality.

I had done nothing directly to either of them, but both had their reasons I guess for disliking me.

Normally I would be upset that I wasn't 'liked'. But given that both of these women were allies of people who have wronged either me or a loved one, I really couldn't give a shit.

I held my head high, smiled and acknowledged both of them, and decided that I wanted no part of their problems. I actually think it threw them a bit that I didn't shrink into a corner. Why should I? I have done nothing wrong, I feel proud of the way in which I have stood up for myself, and indeed the way I have coped with the situations I have found myself in of late.

And I feel damn sure that when A is old enough to understand what has happened, she too will be proud of the way which I managed, and how I did my utmost to ensure she was protected from the fallout.

I guess this is one of the pitfalls of living in the country. Everyone knows everyone else. And they know their neighbour's business - and the business of their neighbour's neighbour, etc etc.

I haven't gone out of my way to explain my situation to every man and his dog, but those who matter know the truth - and that's all that matters.

I'm feeling a bit reflective tonight, or this morning as the clock has ticked over midnight.

October does that to me - for reasons which I am sure I will reveal in a later post.

sweet dreams to all.

Mwah Ellie xxx

Keep in touch

I hate being ignored. Hate it. Can't stand it. Totally does my head in.

I'm a people person, I enjoy interacting with others, keeping in touch, and just plain touching base.

I can't stand people not replying to me. Argh!!!!!!!

Those who know me well know I am addicted to texting. I'm constantly on my phone, receiving texts, answering texts, and often just checking for messages.

It's my way of staying connected to people I care about. I love nothing more than receiving a message which says nothing more than "I'm thinking about you". As silly as it sounds, it brightens my day.

And I all too often send that same message to people. I might have nothing to say, but I want them to know that they are loved, appreciated, cherished etc. I know how it makes me feel, and I want to repay the favour I guess.

So it irritates me that someone would ignore my messages. My ex does it all the time. I fucking hate it. I'm not texting him just for the sake of it. There's a reason, and as the mother of his child I deserve, at the very least, a polite reply.

Sometimes I think I should stop texting some people, the ones whom I tend to be paranoid about whether or not they are ignoring me. But then I figure, I am being true to myself, I am doing what I do, and their reaction is beyond my control.

It's a very freeing decision to make - to be yourself and to acknowledge that the reactions of others are outside a) your control and b) your responsibility.

I no longer have to worry about others, apart from A of course, as they are responsible for, and to, themselves.

Grown adults make their own choices and have to live with their own consciences and consequences. I do it, and now I have consciously decided to leave them to it.

I can't control them. I don't want to in fact. And I am all the better for it.

It's almost like a little weight has been lifted from my shoulders. There is no more thinking 'what if?', only "what do I want to do?" - and it's liberating.

I highly recommend it to all of you.

Mwah Ellie xxx

So far, so good

It's been a week of recovery after last weekend's rather large-ish efforts.

It seemed such a good idea to blow off some steam, and it was a lot of fun in the process. I met so many people, and collected a heap of funny stories along the way.

Like pinching a wig off a biker, helping a self-proclaimed 'rockstar drummer' to meet some girls, dancing up a storm, developing a taste for Cointreau, meeting up with some of the Barkeroos boys, and generally running amok.

Meh, all in a night's socialising I guess.

I'm not really into going out anymore. It makes me feel old as I watch all the teenagers cavort around me, drinking themselves into a stupor and behaving like fools. And I figure it's highly unlikely that I'm going to meet a like-minded soul at a place where the aforementioned behaviour is the norm.

But I figured if you can't beat 'em, join 'em. And join 'em I did.

So it was with absolute astonishment that I met a nice bloke who called me the next day and asked me for lunch. It's nice to know that there are still some really kind and interesting people in the world.

We have both found ourselves in similar situations, dealing with similar messes caused by others, so it was super to find a friend with whom to chat.

I have learned the importance of friends in recent years, and so figure that I can never have too many genuine, loving people in my life.

Given the huge amount of relaxation my weekend involved, I also unfortunately ended up ill, and have spent the past week nursing a nasty cold-type bug.

I am on the mend, but am still feeling rather average, so instead of a weekend out and about, I'm planning a quiet couple of days at home, hopefully to recharge these old batteries!!!

It's not me, it's you

I've had an interesting day/night.

Today was a brilliant day at work, so much fun, so much achieved, and general ecstatic feelings about the outcomes.

But sitting amongst the couples one really does feel a bit out of place.

In general I'm happy with my own company, except when it comes to receiving a bit of attention-cum-affection.

I love to be the life of a party, responsible for many wild stories and plenty of laughs.

But I still can't shake this feeling of loneliness that seems to have wrapped itself round my shoulders like a familiar old scarf. Most of the time I don't mind it, I know it's there, it's reassuring in a way, but it's not always necessary.

And if I'm honest, I find myself jealous of happy couples. I'm even worse when I see happy families these days - mum, dad and children just enjoying each other's company. I love to see it, but I almost always feel that pang of regret, wondering 'what if'.

Sometimes I ask myself what is wrong with me. Why aren't I wanted? Why aren't I one of these coupled up people, with that one person in my life who I know will be there whenever I need, for whatever I need.

Don't get me wrong. I have plenty of friends, and I have an intimate group of very special and cherished mates whose company I adore, and who I know will be there at the drop of a hat.

But I don't have a 'mate', if you know what I mean. Hence the loneliness.

And it seems worse when A is with her father cos I really am home alone. I quite enjoy some quiet time, cos being a full-time single mum is hard work, and I take my hat off to those who do it with multiple kidlets. I struggle and I only have one.

But it's night time, when you want to snuggle on the couch, share a tender kiss, or cuddle up in bed that I really feel it the most.

I'm sure I'm not alone, cos I am discovering just how hard it is to find that one person who 'fits' into your life. So others must feel it too. Doesn't mean I'm happy about it though.

I'm not sure if I'm doing something wrong, or if it's just the way life is. But I would love to change it.

Feel free to let me know if you have anything to contribute - I'm certainly open to suggestions!!!

Mwah, Ellie xxx

Wired for sound

Breathe in, breathe out, try not to choke yourself on the leads - sounds pretty straightforward hey??

So last night I spent the night at the Hamilton Hospital as part of a sleep study to find out a) why I always wake up so damn tired, and b) what is causing that noise that has become almost socially disruptive (who wants to sleep next to someone snoring and spluttering all night??).

So, rather than see it as a medical intrusion, I thought of it as a bit of a holiday, a minibreak if you must. I headed over on my solo roadtrip and checked into Hotel de la Hospitale for a bit of r'n'r.

Yeah, I was kidding myself. It wasn't much of a break. I came home even more tired than I left, and I'm on Struggle Street today, in fact I would even go as far to say that I'm the Mayor of Struggletown.

Anyhoo, let me set the scene for last night's little trial.

It was held in a house environment, except for the beds - of course they were those poxy little hospital beds.

I had to PJ-up early so I could be wired for sound - literally. I had tiny patches attached all over my face, on my chest and down my legs. A microphone was also taped to my chest, two movement belts were stretched around my tummy, and oxygen measuring prongs were placed in my nostrils and across my top lip. All of this was tied like a long pony tail down my back and then connected to a masterboard above the bed - so I wasn't going anywhere!!!

That wasn't too bad - but then they turned on the video camera - which kinda creeped me out.

The video camera was above the bed, next to the tv, and filmed me from the chest up. I tried pretending it wasn't there, but subconsciously it bothered me. I kept trying to open my eyes just a tiny bit to see if it was working, and without them noticing me - but it didn't work!!!

Therefore it took me ages to fall asleep, but once I did I was ok - for about three hours, until one of the leads came loose from my head, and I woke to find a bobbing spotlight near my bed!!!

It's possibly in the realms of too much info - but that seemed the perfect opportunity for a toilet stop, which again posed many challenges. Much plugging and unplugging took place, before I could drag my metres and metres of leads to the loo down the hall, and then back again, with the nurse repeating the plugging and unplugging. Good grief - couldn't I have a catheter??? Actually no, I will take the plugging and unplugging anyday!!!

Fortunately tho there were another couple of hours of sleep to follow, yaay for that, but I was still out the door at 6am (Vic time of course), feeling rather unrefreshed and definitely more weary for the effort.

So now there will be a two week wait for the results, followed by a consult with a sleep specialist - and hopefully some answers.

All in all it wasn't too unpleasant, just another night of broken sleep!!!

What could have been improved??? Perhaps a more comfy bed, and definitely the provision of some hot young thing whom I could have wrapped myself around - I reckon that would have done the trick!!!

Mwah, Ellie xxx, or should that be zzz???

The penny has dropped ...

To quote a friend of mine, I've had an epiphany.

All of a sudden it's hit me - I know what has been causing me so much trouble.

In fact it is downright obvious - it's men!!!

Now, just to clarify, I'm not about to go to 'ladytown' if you know what I mean, although I could use a good wife to look after me.

No, after a sleepless night spent assessing and evaluating my life, it seems most of my problems stem from the male of the species.

Now, I'm not going to profess to being a perfect chick, I know that I'm far from it. However, it seems of late my problems have been centred around the men in my life.

So, in order to change this scenario, I think I either need to do one of two things:

A) Stay away from men. Stop thinking about them, stop wanting to spend time with them, stop thinking about sleeping with them, etc etc etc, I'm sure you get my drift;

or

B) Change the type of men I associate with. I don't really think I have a type though, although looking back they are tall, good looking, with dark hair and fairly sporty. Hmmm, maybe I do indeed have a 'type'.

I don't know what I've been doing wrong, but there is obviously something out of kilter.

Twice I thought I had met "Mr Right", but it turns out they were actually "Mr Right Now", so now I'm seriously thinking about giving up the search until my judgement improves, cos there is no way I'm going through any of this heartache again.

I'm not sure how I'm going to cope with this loneliness, but fortunately most of my male needs are met by my male bestie (and we've touched on this before, as part of our extremely loving yet platonic relationship). So obviously the main thing will be the lack of a sex life (blush), meh, if I'm gonna write this blog I'm gonna be honest!!!

I actually feel quite good about this decision, just to take some time for me and my child, to concentrate on enjoying each day and dealing with what it brings.

I've said it before, I really am concentrating on what needs to be done today to make tomorrow zen (I've had a suggestion that this saying needs to be printed on a t-shirt, at the very least I'm considering having it tattooed on me somewhere!!!).

But don't let that stop you from recommending any available hot, tall, dark haired sporty men - they might not be my "Mr Right", but they might be "Mr Right For Some Fun".

Keep smiling.

Mwah Ellie xxx

What a difference a few days make ...

I feel on top of the world today. And although I'm happy to run with this feeling, I'm kinda wondering why.

With that in mind, I just thought I'd assess the week.

My week has been ever so slightly manic. Work is flat out, which I love, it's always nice to be busy. I've picked up some freelancing as well, which I'm really enjoying too, and I've spent some lovely time with lovely people.

So today is a day of smiles, after last night's evening of reminiscing at the Leukaemia Foundation's Light the Night walk. It was the first time I've been able to just be part of the crowd at the event, as the first year I was in Adelaide, up on stage, as the South Australian Gold Balloon Ambassador, which was an absolute honour, but also completely nervewracking. I remember dissolving into tears as MC Amanda Blair 'interviewed' me. And then last year I was the Mt Gambier Gold Balloon Ambassador, and again finished in tears on stage while being interviewed, and just sobbed away while speaking about my gorgeous sister Bianca.

Last night showed the value of true friends. While I silently raised my gold balloon during a minute of silence, one of my precious friends just gently put her arm round my shoulders, which gave me a stoic kind of resolve. It's moments like that which stay with you - probably forever.

It really was a beautiful event, and it's heartening to see the community rally for such a worthwhile cause. But it's over for another year now, and it seems appropriate that I again concentrate on making the most of my life.

So perhaps that is part of the reason I'm smiling today. The sun is shining, I've had a lovely, quiet morning, and I'm looking forward to watching the Grand Final.

My bestie is at the game with his dad, so I'm experiencing it vicariously, loving the photographic updates I'm receiving, and just soaking up their joy long distance.

The icing on the cake would be if the Pies claim the cup - something that seems apt in this scenario.

My day will be finished with a gathering of friends, promising lots of laughs (and I'm sure a few drinks). All in all I'm looking forward to a happy kinda day.

With that in mind, I will sign off, sending you smiles and sunshine, and hoping that this feeling of bliss will continue. I really do hope the sun is shining in your lives as well.

Mwah, Ellie xxx

Is that a turning point in sight???

Today, despite being a rather shitty kinda day, offered a tiny ray of hope that things may be turning around.
It's still a day to day struggle, still feeling like I'm drowning in a sea of negativity around me, but I feel like it's not overwhelming me today.
A quiet moment of reflection while savouring a tiny burst of sunshine allowed me to appreciate that I actually do have quite a good life - it just needs a few things to settle for the 'badness' to clear.
I do love living in Mt Gambier, surrounded by family and friends. It's a great place to bring up a child, with such lush landscapes and friendly faces.
And as much as I want to 'pack up and piss off' to escape my troubles, I feel assured that once my life is 'sorted' I will be able to again live happily 'down south'.
And instead of looking to the future, as many do, and thinking 'what if???', I'm thinking about what needs to be done today, in order for tomorrow to be zen.
I'm still not really feeling the love, but I'm trying to put that to the back of my mind, with the idea that it will come to me when it's ready.
Instead I am concentrating on those whom I love, and ensuring I take every opportunity to let them know it. I'm hugging my daughter more, enjoying her company, and just allowing day to day life to just wash over me.
I heard another sad story today about a local family and it reaffirmed to me that life really is precious. We mustn't dwell on the doom and gloom, recognising rather that life is a never-ending opportunity - and it is up to us to grab it with both hands and make the most of it.
Enjoy living - life is too short.
Mwah Exxx

Expecting the unexpected

I used to live for the future. I was all about the planning, the goals which needed to be achieved in a bid to reach the elusive ideal life.

Then my sister died. And I readjusted my thinking.

Now I very much live for the moment. I have to. I could get hit by a bus tomorrow, or contract leukaemia, as my sister did at the ripe old age of 25. Dead by 30 - not much of a future there.

So I'm all about the fun, the living, the laughing, and very much the loving.

Not that it seems to have gotten me anywhere. I see something that looks like fun, I do it. I think more people should live like that - but that's just my personal opinion.

I take risks, I very much wear my heart on my sleeve. I play hard, love hard - and so it seems, I fall even harder.

If I see something I want, I go after it. And usually I am successful. I know what belongs in my life, I can glance into the future and see it working, but I very much believe on taking a chance.

Often I wish I could change things about myself. I wish myself thinner, prettier, and even blonder for goodness sake!!!

But then I realise I'm still here, still breathing, and absolutely lucky to be alive. I have an outstanding life - almost.

I have a gorgeous child, a wonderful home (once my fuckhead of an ex stops dragging me through the courts and allows me to buy it) and a loving and supportive family.

I have an awesome support network of gorgeous friends, and for that I will be forever grateful. They have picked me up every single time I have fallen down, and I will cherish them forever.

But I don't have a partner. Or should I say, I don't have the kind of partner I wish for.

I have my gorgeous (male) best friend. He is my rock. The one I turn to. The one I know I can rely on. But I wonder if it should be more. In fact I know it should be more. But he can't - or won't - be convinced to give it a try. How does the song go? "Take a chance on me".

We have 'gone there' before, and all was great. But the situation has changed and he no longer sees us together in the future. Ahhh the future - that big empty space looming just out of reach, always waiting for us to arrive.

What happens if we don't arrive? Do we die unhappy, never knowing what could have been?

I wish I could convince him to give it a whirl. To try it on and see how it fits. I don't feel we would be ruining a friendship. Hell, we've been there before, why not go again???

It all makes perfect sense. We are young, perfectly suited and just 'click'. So why not???

I do wonder if I will find another like him. Someone I'm so attracted to, so in love with.

Ahhh bugger it, I guess the big bad future will sort it out for me. As for now, I will just have to live for today.

But I do wonder, why can't someone take a chance on me???

Mwah, Exxx

You've lost that loving feelin' ....

I am lonely. I feel alone. I am alone. I'm pining. It's pathetic, not to mention painful.

How did it get to this, and why? Did I do something wrong, has something happened that I missed?

Am I being punished? I think maybe I am, and probably deservedly so. Am I about to - or have I already - ruined a relationship before it even began.

It's typical of me to blame myself for others' actions. I don't think the whole world revolves around me, it's just that repeated incidences of cheating have left me with such little self confidence that I really do wonder how anybody could/would want to be with me.

And it seems it is happening again. Not the cheating. Just the changing of minds.

What seemed to be the beginning of a beautiful friendship cum relationship, has reverted to a friendship that seems to be ever so slowly winding back the cogs. I feel him backing off, pulling away, increasing that distance. And it's breaking my heart.

I hate it. It's making me miserable. But I would have to be blind not to see the signs. The ignored phone calls, the unanswered SMSes and emails, the decreasing time we spend together, and now we are going for days without seeing each other.

It's time for me to suck it up, face the facts and confront the inevitable.

Is this friendship dying? I really hope not, cos that would be just plain awful. We have been the best of friends for almost a year now. We have spent so much time getting to know each other during what has been a very difficult time for each of us.

We have helped each other through the darkest of days, provided shining lights for each other, and been there to help pick up the pieces. There is a bond there, there's no denying it. However we both have different views of what form it takes.

I used to think I would wait for him forever. But the longer this goes on, the more unloved I feel. I'm making myself sick with the constant questioning of myself, trying to read between the lines. It really is doing my head in.

So, I keep trying to pull back, to maintain just the friendship, and quash any other feelings I may have. I can't tell you how much it hurts to be ignored, it leaves you feeling worthless, as if anything you have to say is not worth replying to.

And so rather than wallow I shall continue attempting to move on. I think it's healthy. There is no way in the world I can write this relationship off. I still think we belong together, but I am no longer sure in what capacity.

I just need to convince my heart that we can survive. But as I've said many times before, the heart wants what the heart wants .... The trick is to allow it to want, and just to accept that.

Mwah Ellie xxx

It's better to have loved and lost ...

I've said it before, the heart wants what the heart wants, and sometimes that can't be reconciled with the mind.

I'm a very passionate person. When I love, I love with my whole heart, there's no half-way about it. I'm in, boots and all, and often it's all consuming.

I'm trying to learn how to pull back, to just give a little of myself, so that I can protect myself a little more and avoid reliving the hurt I have experienced in the past.

I'm definitely working on it, cos I know I'm not strong enough at the moment to cope with any more heartbreak. In fact I have made a vow with myself never to give all of myself again, I need to keep something just for me, and for A of course.

I did have grand dreams for the future, propogated not just by me I felt, but now I feel I have been wrong. I dreamt of happy families, of three lying in the sun, just passing time, growing old together. Happy times were to be had, much laughter filled the air, and smiles were aplenty. But it seems obvious now I was wrong. That happy family is not to be. It is to be perhaps just a happy mother and daughter, just the two of us, making the most of our lives.

Sure there will be friends filling our lives, some more than others, but to protect us perhaps it is best we remain a duo, a happy pair, and that way any harm should be minimised.

I feel very sad actually committing this to words, but know it must be said, in order to clear my thoughts and put plans into motion.

I feel as if I am grieving for a life I perceived would happen, but I shall mourn it, and then I shall recover, as I always seem to do. Sadness will be short-lived, I have a child to be happy for. She needs me, even if no-one else does.

I know I am a strong person, but I feel perhaps my strength has been sapped by recent ordeals. Perhaps taking some time to rest and recover may enable it to build again, enabling me to handle all this crazy world can throw at me.

Until then I will keep trying to bubblewrap my heart, keeping it safe, and allowing it to heal.

Mwah Ellie xxx