Turning over a new leaf

I've done some things of late of which I'm not proud. Found myself in some inappropriate situations, and reacted in ways which are very un-Ellie-like.

And while I've known they weren't right, it's taken til a very honest and confronting conversation with a precious friend tonight to put my finger on what has been behind this bad behaviour.

I don't feel comfortable going into the specifics, but let's just say I have violated my own strong moral code. I'm not proud, but I refuse to allow myself to live with regrets. Let's just say what has been done cannot be undone. I will go forward, I will not regret it, but then again I will not repeat those same mistakes.

It appears I try to 'fix' myself with indulgences. Whether that be material possessions or affection, it seems to be true.

I crave attention/affection. I guess most of us do. I love nothing more than feeling loved, that wonderful sense of being the centre of someone's world. It's a reassuring feeling knowing that someone thinks you are just the best.

I haven't felt it for a while now. It's been ages since someone told me I was their princess, that their world orbited around mine, and that my needs came first in their priorities.

Of course I know I am A's world. That goes without saying. But she knows no different. I adore being showered with hugs and told that she loves me 16 out of 10. And it's heartwarming when I come home from work to be told "Oh mumma, I really missed you while you were at work". Moments like these bring me endless joy - and I do remind myself how lucky I am.

However I am slowly getting used to the fact that perhaps it's meant to be that I fly solo. And I need to reassure myself that that is ok.

I don't need to indulge myself to bury that pain. I need to embrace it, face the fact that perhaps it is best if I am single for a while.

A wise friend told me that I should never place my happiness in the hands of another. I don't think truer words have ever been spoken. I need to work on making myself happy. I don't think I need to be 'fixed', I'm pretty awesome just the way I am.

I have many talents, my life is in fact rather awesome, but just a tad lonely.

So rather than material possessions I intend to fill that numbing void with my own thoughts, my own plans, and devise a way to achieve the woman I want to be.

I shall be strong, I shall be interesting, I shall be happy. I shall also be the best mother to A that I can be. She will be proud, and she will grow to become a strong, independent and proud young woman with a mother who is a positive role model.

While A's happiness is paramount, I also need to acknowledge that a happy mother raises a happy child. If I am happy, then so shall she be.

I feel good in confronting this. I've been avoiding facing my fears for a while. I've buried them under a host of behaviours - and not all of them have been healthy.

So here's to the future, to a stronger, healthier and happier Ellie.

And here's also to having wise friends, particularly my two Ks - this gal genuinely appreciates your friendship, and my life is richer with you in it.

Mwah, Ellie xxx

Breathing a little easier

I faced my own mortality today. Seems a little dramatic. I thought so too. Until the doctor told me the bald facts.

Continue living with my (until today) undiagnosed sleep apnoea and within 15 years I would be in real trouble. We are talking stroke, heart attack, and a host of other related problems.

Bugger.

So, during my trip to Hamilton today to follow up on last month's sleep study I learned I have 'very severe chronic obstructive sleep apnoea'. Doesn't sound like a lot of fun. But my study showed I am being disturbed 80 times a minute while asleep. Put simply, my body struggles to breathe the entire time I am asleep, resulting in little or no rest each and every night.

Double bugger.

But at least it's an explanation for how exhausted I feel, and I have felt this rotten for a very long time.

It also explains my reliance on caffeine and nicotine to stay awake, and my desire to have regular catnaps - even though I rarely get the chance. I am a walking zombie.

But there is treatment available. So, the next step is to have another sleep study, this time with a CPAP breathing mask and pump, so that the experts can ascertain how much pressure is needed in the mask to keep my airways open all night. Then I just need to get used to wearing it every night - and enjoy the health benefits that flow.

But I am a bit concerned, cos those masks are anything but sexy, and dear readers, as you will know, I am very single.

I'm pretty sure that they are hardly a turn on. I'm just thinking how a, ahem, sleepover might go. And I don't like the thought of it. But I guess I will cross that bridge when I come to it.

And I have to consider my little A in all of this. I have no intention, as a friend of mine pointed out, of 'checking out early'. I will do all that I can to ensure I'm around for as long as possible for A. She is my life, and she needs her Mummy.

I'm also thinking of the newfound energy I will have, and part of me is a teeny bit excited. Perhaps it might mean I will be able to bound out of bed (too much???) and do all of that exercise I keep promising myself to do. Or I might be able to get out of bed before lunchtime on my childfree days. Or I might even just feel human again - wow, wouldn't that be nice!!!???

Anyhow, I've got another six weeks to wait for my next sleep study and CPAP fitting, so until then, I will have to remain a zombie - but at least there is light (or sleep) at the end of the tunnel.

Sweet dreams people.

Mwah Ellie xxx

Too many tears

I need to write this down. I need to get it out of my head.

So much shouting, so much name calling. Ugly words spoken, can't be taken back. Too much hurt. Too many tears.

How did it get to this? And why? And when will it end?

Arghhhhhh .....

Two days of fun-filled work, a sensational therapeutic acupuncture session and excitement at being reunited with A after four days away from her all came crashing down with a few harsh words from her father.

My genuine query about what they had been up to while I had been away was met with defensiveness, deflection, and downright accusations.

What business of mine was it, apparently, to probe into their time. Why did I care, why should I care, and so on and so forth ...

My reply was one of astonishment. My interest in my child's life is my major concern. I love her, I want to talk to her about what she's been up to. I don't think it's too big of an ask.

But I'm a bad person, apparently. I manipulate, I blame, I abuse - in his opinion. Apparently I'm manipulating my family, telling stories about them and him, and others are reporting back. I find this so very hard to believe, as it's simply not true. I have only ever spoken the truth - which obviously he finds too hard to believe himself. It's hard when you are at fault, when you are the one to blame for tearing a family apart. It must be a terrible cross to bear. I wouldn't know, as I've never done it.

Oh, and apparently I am far from perfect (keep in mind I can't ever recall declaring myself such) - and I should be looking at myself to see why the men in my life keep cheating on me. Again, super harsh, super mean, super cruel.

The words ripped at my heart, my instinct was to attack - but I found it hard to speak with the tears falling.

I could only manage to say that I found it so very hard to be perfect while dealing with the death of my beloved sister, and the pressure of being a brand new mum. I'm sorry, I said, I'm so sorry that I had to deal with this - but I had no choice.

My only choice would have been to keep my sister, but it was not an option, so I dealt with her loss the best way I could, by seeking refuge in my daughter, absorbing myself in her care.

But the words still sting. Why can't we just get along. Just smile and be kind, for the sake of our child.

Unfortunately we are tied together for life, through A. At some stage we need to get along - the sooner the better as far as I'm concerned.

There were so many other mean things said tonight. I genuinely tried to be polite, but I must admit my anger and hurt overwhelmed me.

I chose to walk away though, to shut the door and shed my tears in private.

Family and friends rallied immediately, more tears, more hugs, kind words.

And a special visit from my bestie, soothing words, warm hugs, and reassurance that I am a good person who deserves to be loved.

What would I do without my bestie? He's my rock, my heart and my soul - I love you honey xxx

Mwah Ellie xxx

Making my mark

I had to do a rather important thing today. Stand up on stage at the Mary MacKillop canonisation celebrations in Penola and introduce and interview an interesting woman who has chronicled our first Saint's life for a movie.

And it got me thinking.

Mary MacKillop obviously has made a super huge mark on not only Australia, but the world.

But if I died tomorrow - what mark would I have left on the world. Hmmm, now that's a scary thought.

I have often thought that one of my aims in life, now that I am a mummy, is to do things which will make my precious A proud.

It's not my driving force in life, but it's something I'm conscious of. I hope that when she is older, she will look back and see that not only did I strive to do the best I could for her, often under trying circumstances, but also that I tried to 'do good' in general.

I guess the thing of which I am the proudest, which can be measured, is the 'Every Drop Counts' campaign, which led to the reinstatement of a visiting blood collection service in Mt Gambier.

The campaign, the largest of its kind ever run in the region, was a resounding success, attracting 15,000 signatures in less than two months on a petition calling for the service's reinstatement.

I am super proud of that achievement, which was done after my younger sister's leukaemia diagnosis. It was done during an extremely passionate period during my life. A time when I would have done anything to make B better, to find a matching donor for her, and I honestly hoped that someone else could also be helped.

So I guess with that in mind I have made a mark on Mt Gambier, hardly the world.

Not too shabby an effort though. Obviously not in the league of Mary, but I guess it's all relative.

And I guess it's a decent effort to be invited to stand on stage in front of thousands of people and speak about Australia's first saint.

With that in mind, I'm sure A will be proud of me for a whole range of reasons.

Mwah, Ellie xxx

Midnight ramblings

It's late. I should be in bed. I'm child-free tonight, yet I'm home alone and thinking.

I'm not sure about you, but I think that I think too much. I overthink things. I'm trying not to, but all too often I find myself overanalysing things.

I read too much into things. Someone doesn't get back to me, I think I've done something to offend them. Someone looks at me in a way which I deem 'strange', and they are obviously thinking bad things about me.

I had a situation today where I was in a group of mums and their kids, and there were two women there who were loosely associated with men in my life.

It was obvious that neither of these women liked me, meh, as someone said to me, between them they could barely muster half a personality.

I had done nothing directly to either of them, but both had their reasons I guess for disliking me.

Normally I would be upset that I wasn't 'liked'. But given that both of these women were allies of people who have wronged either me or a loved one, I really couldn't give a shit.

I held my head high, smiled and acknowledged both of them, and decided that I wanted no part of their problems. I actually think it threw them a bit that I didn't shrink into a corner. Why should I? I have done nothing wrong, I feel proud of the way in which I have stood up for myself, and indeed the way I have coped with the situations I have found myself in of late.

And I feel damn sure that when A is old enough to understand what has happened, she too will be proud of the way which I managed, and how I did my utmost to ensure she was protected from the fallout.

I guess this is one of the pitfalls of living in the country. Everyone knows everyone else. And they know their neighbour's business - and the business of their neighbour's neighbour, etc etc.

I haven't gone out of my way to explain my situation to every man and his dog, but those who matter know the truth - and that's all that matters.

I'm feeling a bit reflective tonight, or this morning as the clock has ticked over midnight.

October does that to me - for reasons which I am sure I will reveal in a later post.

sweet dreams to all.

Mwah Ellie xxx

Keep in touch

I hate being ignored. Hate it. Can't stand it. Totally does my head in.

I'm a people person, I enjoy interacting with others, keeping in touch, and just plain touching base.

I can't stand people not replying to me. Argh!!!!!!!

Those who know me well know I am addicted to texting. I'm constantly on my phone, receiving texts, answering texts, and often just checking for messages.

It's my way of staying connected to people I care about. I love nothing more than receiving a message which says nothing more than "I'm thinking about you". As silly as it sounds, it brightens my day.

And I all too often send that same message to people. I might have nothing to say, but I want them to know that they are loved, appreciated, cherished etc. I know how it makes me feel, and I want to repay the favour I guess.

So it irritates me that someone would ignore my messages. My ex does it all the time. I fucking hate it. I'm not texting him just for the sake of it. There's a reason, and as the mother of his child I deserve, at the very least, a polite reply.

Sometimes I think I should stop texting some people, the ones whom I tend to be paranoid about whether or not they are ignoring me. But then I figure, I am being true to myself, I am doing what I do, and their reaction is beyond my control.

It's a very freeing decision to make - to be yourself and to acknowledge that the reactions of others are outside a) your control and b) your responsibility.

I no longer have to worry about others, apart from A of course, as they are responsible for, and to, themselves.

Grown adults make their own choices and have to live with their own consciences and consequences. I do it, and now I have consciously decided to leave them to it.

I can't control them. I don't want to in fact. And I am all the better for it.

It's almost like a little weight has been lifted from my shoulders. There is no more thinking 'what if?', only "what do I want to do?" - and it's liberating.

I highly recommend it to all of you.

Mwah Ellie xxx

So far, so good

It's been a week of recovery after last weekend's rather large-ish efforts.

It seemed such a good idea to blow off some steam, and it was a lot of fun in the process. I met so many people, and collected a heap of funny stories along the way.

Like pinching a wig off a biker, helping a self-proclaimed 'rockstar drummer' to meet some girls, dancing up a storm, developing a taste for Cointreau, meeting up with some of the Barkeroos boys, and generally running amok.

Meh, all in a night's socialising I guess.

I'm not really into going out anymore. It makes me feel old as I watch all the teenagers cavort around me, drinking themselves into a stupor and behaving like fools. And I figure it's highly unlikely that I'm going to meet a like-minded soul at a place where the aforementioned behaviour is the norm.

But I figured if you can't beat 'em, join 'em. And join 'em I did.

So it was with absolute astonishment that I met a nice bloke who called me the next day and asked me for lunch. It's nice to know that there are still some really kind and interesting people in the world.

We have both found ourselves in similar situations, dealing with similar messes caused by others, so it was super to find a friend with whom to chat.

I have learned the importance of friends in recent years, and so figure that I can never have too many genuine, loving people in my life.

Given the huge amount of relaxation my weekend involved, I also unfortunately ended up ill, and have spent the past week nursing a nasty cold-type bug.

I am on the mend, but am still feeling rather average, so instead of a weekend out and about, I'm planning a quiet couple of days at home, hopefully to recharge these old batteries!!!

It's not me, it's you

I've had an interesting day/night.

Today was a brilliant day at work, so much fun, so much achieved, and general ecstatic feelings about the outcomes.

But sitting amongst the couples one really does feel a bit out of place.

In general I'm happy with my own company, except when it comes to receiving a bit of attention-cum-affection.

I love to be the life of a party, responsible for many wild stories and plenty of laughs.

But I still can't shake this feeling of loneliness that seems to have wrapped itself round my shoulders like a familiar old scarf. Most of the time I don't mind it, I know it's there, it's reassuring in a way, but it's not always necessary.

And if I'm honest, I find myself jealous of happy couples. I'm even worse when I see happy families these days - mum, dad and children just enjoying each other's company. I love to see it, but I almost always feel that pang of regret, wondering 'what if'.

Sometimes I ask myself what is wrong with me. Why aren't I wanted? Why aren't I one of these coupled up people, with that one person in my life who I know will be there whenever I need, for whatever I need.

Don't get me wrong. I have plenty of friends, and I have an intimate group of very special and cherished mates whose company I adore, and who I know will be there at the drop of a hat.

But I don't have a 'mate', if you know what I mean. Hence the loneliness.

And it seems worse when A is with her father cos I really am home alone. I quite enjoy some quiet time, cos being a full-time single mum is hard work, and I take my hat off to those who do it with multiple kidlets. I struggle and I only have one.

But it's night time, when you want to snuggle on the couch, share a tender kiss, or cuddle up in bed that I really feel it the most.

I'm sure I'm not alone, cos I am discovering just how hard it is to find that one person who 'fits' into your life. So others must feel it too. Doesn't mean I'm happy about it though.

I'm not sure if I'm doing something wrong, or if it's just the way life is. But I would love to change it.

Feel free to let me know if you have anything to contribute - I'm certainly open to suggestions!!!

Mwah, Ellie xxx