It's late. I should be in bed. I'm child-free tonight, yet I'm home alone and thinking.
I'm not sure about you, but I think that I think too much. I overthink things. I'm trying not to, but all too often I find myself overanalysing things.
I read too much into things. Someone doesn't get back to me, I think I've done something to offend them. Someone looks at me in a way which I deem 'strange', and they are obviously thinking bad things about me.
I had a situation today where I was in a group of mums and their kids, and there were two women there who were loosely associated with men in my life.
It was obvious that neither of these women liked me, meh, as someone said to me, between them they could barely muster half a personality.
I had done nothing directly to either of them, but both had their reasons I guess for disliking me.
Normally I would be upset that I wasn't 'liked'. But given that both of these women were allies of people who have wronged either me or a loved one, I really couldn't give a shit.
I held my head high, smiled and acknowledged both of them, and decided that I wanted no part of their problems. I actually think it threw them a bit that I didn't shrink into a corner. Why should I? I have done nothing wrong, I feel proud of the way in which I have stood up for myself, and indeed the way I have coped with the situations I have found myself in of late.
And I feel damn sure that when A is old enough to understand what has happened, she too will be proud of the way which I managed, and how I did my utmost to ensure she was protected from the fallout.
I guess this is one of the pitfalls of living in the country. Everyone knows everyone else. And they know their neighbour's business - and the business of their neighbour's neighbour, etc etc.
I haven't gone out of my way to explain my situation to every man and his dog, but those who matter know the truth - and that's all that matters.
I'm feeling a bit reflective tonight, or this morning as the clock has ticked over midnight.
October does that to me - for reasons which I am sure I will reveal in a later post.
sweet dreams to all.
Mwah Ellie xxx
Well done on holding your head high and not letting those women put you in a corner (evil giggle on the half a personality comment)
ReplyDeleteDo me a favour though, never move to a smaller town.....like maybe the one where I live.....cause people really all do know one another and this stuff is even worse.
It is wonderful that you have kept yourself out there and not let these sort of people get you down, because climging into that corner and not coming out doesn't help at all, I should know because that is what I did and to be honest I tend not to come out of my corner anymore and it's hard to go anywhere and do anything because the paranoid feelings make it really hard, made even worse by quite often they are talking about me anyway (next weekend I have a presentation dinner to go to with my husband at the golf club and I'm already freaking out about everything and anything - it's not good)
And you are right, as kids get older they see the truth, they understand things and people can't bullshit them anymore so it becomes easier, my girls have been like that and it's wonderful