Wired for sound

Breathe in, breathe out, try not to choke yourself on the leads - sounds pretty straightforward hey??

So last night I spent the night at the Hamilton Hospital as part of a sleep study to find out a) why I always wake up so damn tired, and b) what is causing that noise that has become almost socially disruptive (who wants to sleep next to someone snoring and spluttering all night??).

So, rather than see it as a medical intrusion, I thought of it as a bit of a holiday, a minibreak if you must. I headed over on my solo roadtrip and checked into Hotel de la Hospitale for a bit of r'n'r.

Yeah, I was kidding myself. It wasn't much of a break. I came home even more tired than I left, and I'm on Struggle Street today, in fact I would even go as far to say that I'm the Mayor of Struggletown.

Anyhoo, let me set the scene for last night's little trial.

It was held in a house environment, except for the beds - of course they were those poxy little hospital beds.

I had to PJ-up early so I could be wired for sound - literally. I had tiny patches attached all over my face, on my chest and down my legs. A microphone was also taped to my chest, two movement belts were stretched around my tummy, and oxygen measuring prongs were placed in my nostrils and across my top lip. All of this was tied like a long pony tail down my back and then connected to a masterboard above the bed - so I wasn't going anywhere!!!

That wasn't too bad - but then they turned on the video camera - which kinda creeped me out.

The video camera was above the bed, next to the tv, and filmed me from the chest up. I tried pretending it wasn't there, but subconsciously it bothered me. I kept trying to open my eyes just a tiny bit to see if it was working, and without them noticing me - but it didn't work!!!

Therefore it took me ages to fall asleep, but once I did I was ok - for about three hours, until one of the leads came loose from my head, and I woke to find a bobbing spotlight near my bed!!!

It's possibly in the realms of too much info - but that seemed the perfect opportunity for a toilet stop, which again posed many challenges. Much plugging and unplugging took place, before I could drag my metres and metres of leads to the loo down the hall, and then back again, with the nurse repeating the plugging and unplugging. Good grief - couldn't I have a catheter??? Actually no, I will take the plugging and unplugging anyday!!!

Fortunately tho there were another couple of hours of sleep to follow, yaay for that, but I was still out the door at 6am (Vic time of course), feeling rather unrefreshed and definitely more weary for the effort.

So now there will be a two week wait for the results, followed by a consult with a sleep specialist - and hopefully some answers.

All in all it wasn't too unpleasant, just another night of broken sleep!!!

What could have been improved??? Perhaps a more comfy bed, and definitely the provision of some hot young thing whom I could have wrapped myself around - I reckon that would have done the trick!!!

Mwah, Ellie xxx, or should that be zzz???

The penny has dropped ...

To quote a friend of mine, I've had an epiphany.

All of a sudden it's hit me - I know what has been causing me so much trouble.

In fact it is downright obvious - it's men!!!

Now, just to clarify, I'm not about to go to 'ladytown' if you know what I mean, although I could use a good wife to look after me.

No, after a sleepless night spent assessing and evaluating my life, it seems most of my problems stem from the male of the species.

Now, I'm not going to profess to being a perfect chick, I know that I'm far from it. However, it seems of late my problems have been centred around the men in my life.

So, in order to change this scenario, I think I either need to do one of two things:

A) Stay away from men. Stop thinking about them, stop wanting to spend time with them, stop thinking about sleeping with them, etc etc etc, I'm sure you get my drift;

or

B) Change the type of men I associate with. I don't really think I have a type though, although looking back they are tall, good looking, with dark hair and fairly sporty. Hmmm, maybe I do indeed have a 'type'.

I don't know what I've been doing wrong, but there is obviously something out of kilter.

Twice I thought I had met "Mr Right", but it turns out they were actually "Mr Right Now", so now I'm seriously thinking about giving up the search until my judgement improves, cos there is no way I'm going through any of this heartache again.

I'm not sure how I'm going to cope with this loneliness, but fortunately most of my male needs are met by my male bestie (and we've touched on this before, as part of our extremely loving yet platonic relationship). So obviously the main thing will be the lack of a sex life (blush), meh, if I'm gonna write this blog I'm gonna be honest!!!

I actually feel quite good about this decision, just to take some time for me and my child, to concentrate on enjoying each day and dealing with what it brings.

I've said it before, I really am concentrating on what needs to be done today to make tomorrow zen (I've had a suggestion that this saying needs to be printed on a t-shirt, at the very least I'm considering having it tattooed on me somewhere!!!).

But don't let that stop you from recommending any available hot, tall, dark haired sporty men - they might not be my "Mr Right", but they might be "Mr Right For Some Fun".

Keep smiling.

Mwah Ellie xxx

What a difference a few days make ...

I feel on top of the world today. And although I'm happy to run with this feeling, I'm kinda wondering why.

With that in mind, I just thought I'd assess the week.

My week has been ever so slightly manic. Work is flat out, which I love, it's always nice to be busy. I've picked up some freelancing as well, which I'm really enjoying too, and I've spent some lovely time with lovely people.

So today is a day of smiles, after last night's evening of reminiscing at the Leukaemia Foundation's Light the Night walk. It was the first time I've been able to just be part of the crowd at the event, as the first year I was in Adelaide, up on stage, as the South Australian Gold Balloon Ambassador, which was an absolute honour, but also completely nervewracking. I remember dissolving into tears as MC Amanda Blair 'interviewed' me. And then last year I was the Mt Gambier Gold Balloon Ambassador, and again finished in tears on stage while being interviewed, and just sobbed away while speaking about my gorgeous sister Bianca.

Last night showed the value of true friends. While I silently raised my gold balloon during a minute of silence, one of my precious friends just gently put her arm round my shoulders, which gave me a stoic kind of resolve. It's moments like that which stay with you - probably forever.

It really was a beautiful event, and it's heartening to see the community rally for such a worthwhile cause. But it's over for another year now, and it seems appropriate that I again concentrate on making the most of my life.

So perhaps that is part of the reason I'm smiling today. The sun is shining, I've had a lovely, quiet morning, and I'm looking forward to watching the Grand Final.

My bestie is at the game with his dad, so I'm experiencing it vicariously, loving the photographic updates I'm receiving, and just soaking up their joy long distance.

The icing on the cake would be if the Pies claim the cup - something that seems apt in this scenario.

My day will be finished with a gathering of friends, promising lots of laughs (and I'm sure a few drinks). All in all I'm looking forward to a happy kinda day.

With that in mind, I will sign off, sending you smiles and sunshine, and hoping that this feeling of bliss will continue. I really do hope the sun is shining in your lives as well.

Mwah, Ellie xxx

Is that a turning point in sight???

Today, despite being a rather shitty kinda day, offered a tiny ray of hope that things may be turning around.
It's still a day to day struggle, still feeling like I'm drowning in a sea of negativity around me, but I feel like it's not overwhelming me today.
A quiet moment of reflection while savouring a tiny burst of sunshine allowed me to appreciate that I actually do have quite a good life - it just needs a few things to settle for the 'badness' to clear.
I do love living in Mt Gambier, surrounded by family and friends. It's a great place to bring up a child, with such lush landscapes and friendly faces.
And as much as I want to 'pack up and piss off' to escape my troubles, I feel assured that once my life is 'sorted' I will be able to again live happily 'down south'.
And instead of looking to the future, as many do, and thinking 'what if???', I'm thinking about what needs to be done today, in order for tomorrow to be zen.
I'm still not really feeling the love, but I'm trying to put that to the back of my mind, with the idea that it will come to me when it's ready.
Instead I am concentrating on those whom I love, and ensuring I take every opportunity to let them know it. I'm hugging my daughter more, enjoying her company, and just allowing day to day life to just wash over me.
I heard another sad story today about a local family and it reaffirmed to me that life really is precious. We mustn't dwell on the doom and gloom, recognising rather that life is a never-ending opportunity - and it is up to us to grab it with both hands and make the most of it.
Enjoy living - life is too short.
Mwah Exxx

Expecting the unexpected

I used to live for the future. I was all about the planning, the goals which needed to be achieved in a bid to reach the elusive ideal life.

Then my sister died. And I readjusted my thinking.

Now I very much live for the moment. I have to. I could get hit by a bus tomorrow, or contract leukaemia, as my sister did at the ripe old age of 25. Dead by 30 - not much of a future there.

So I'm all about the fun, the living, the laughing, and very much the loving.

Not that it seems to have gotten me anywhere. I see something that looks like fun, I do it. I think more people should live like that - but that's just my personal opinion.

I take risks, I very much wear my heart on my sleeve. I play hard, love hard - and so it seems, I fall even harder.

If I see something I want, I go after it. And usually I am successful. I know what belongs in my life, I can glance into the future and see it working, but I very much believe on taking a chance.

Often I wish I could change things about myself. I wish myself thinner, prettier, and even blonder for goodness sake!!!

But then I realise I'm still here, still breathing, and absolutely lucky to be alive. I have an outstanding life - almost.

I have a gorgeous child, a wonderful home (once my fuckhead of an ex stops dragging me through the courts and allows me to buy it) and a loving and supportive family.

I have an awesome support network of gorgeous friends, and for that I will be forever grateful. They have picked me up every single time I have fallen down, and I will cherish them forever.

But I don't have a partner. Or should I say, I don't have the kind of partner I wish for.

I have my gorgeous (male) best friend. He is my rock. The one I turn to. The one I know I can rely on. But I wonder if it should be more. In fact I know it should be more. But he can't - or won't - be convinced to give it a try. How does the song go? "Take a chance on me".

We have 'gone there' before, and all was great. But the situation has changed and he no longer sees us together in the future. Ahhh the future - that big empty space looming just out of reach, always waiting for us to arrive.

What happens if we don't arrive? Do we die unhappy, never knowing what could have been?

I wish I could convince him to give it a whirl. To try it on and see how it fits. I don't feel we would be ruining a friendship. Hell, we've been there before, why not go again???

It all makes perfect sense. We are young, perfectly suited and just 'click'. So why not???

I do wonder if I will find another like him. Someone I'm so attracted to, so in love with.

Ahhh bugger it, I guess the big bad future will sort it out for me. As for now, I will just have to live for today.

But I do wonder, why can't someone take a chance on me???

Mwah, Exxx