Does another year older really mean another year wiser?

That time of year has rolled round when I'm left feeling nostalgic, reflective, and downright pensive.

And before you ask, no it's not the festive season, it's the eve of my 34th birthday. Here's to another year, which is supposed to make me another year wiser.

I guess in some ways I am feeling wiser, I no longer have those same trusting blinkers on I've worn for much of my previous 33 years. I no longer have 'trusting' as my default setting given the extreme abuses of said trust which have occurred during recent years.

So, what have I learned during the last year which has increased my wisdom?

I guess I have learned a lot about myself during the past 12 months, given the huge amount of time I have spent either on my own, or in the company of my precious A.

I now know that I can deal with most situations, calling on my new-found reservoir of strength. I am a strong woman who will do anything to protect my child, and now to protect myself and my family and friends.

I have learned the true value of friends and the importance of having a select group whom you would trust with your life. While my base group of friends has not changed for the past 20 years, I have since added just a handful of awesome, like-minded chicks who 'get' me. They, and in some cases their partners, have become part of my support network and I will be forever grateful to them for their love and help during the past 19 months.

I have learned to control my temper ever so slightly more. It's amazing what taking a few deep breaths and walking away from a situation can achieve. Where I used to stamp my feet and yell, I now try to remove myself in a bid to defuse the situation and - I know it's kinda out there - I have taken to keeping my mouth shut until I cool down, that way hurtful words can't be spoken in the heat of the moment. I know, I know, me with my mouth shut is not a common occurrence!!!

I've also learned that it's okay to be me. I don't have to be like anyone else, to imitate their style, or to shadow their life. I am fast becoming happy with myself, of course there are things I would love to change (losing those last few kgs etc), but I've realised that I'm actually a good person who has a lot to offer.

And I've also learned that my life is pretty freaking awesome just as it is. I've spoken in earlier blogs about learning to appreciate what I do have, rather than long for what I do not. In recent days I have heard humbling stories of hardship and they really have made me sit back and take stock.

I have a gorgeous, happy and healthy daughter, a loving family and wonderfully supportive friends - what more could a gal want???

On a final note, I have also learned that one cannot ever eat enough birthday cake, especially fresh chocolate cake, so indulge I shall, until this almost 34yo body can take no more.

Happy birthday to me.

Mwah, Ellie xxx

PS I love you

A few weeks ago I made a pledge with myself to live in the now, meeting life's challenges head on and appreciating what exists within my world, rather than longing for what is not.

Living without regrets isn't as easy as it sounds, but I'm getting there.

I am endeavouring to embrace just being, enjoying life and its beauty, and ensuring those around me know they are loved.

I have found myself smiling more, stopping to enjoy a burst of sunshine, laughing at life's funny moments and just generally feeling more alive.

I have stopped dwelling on what I believe I am missing out on, although I still find myself thinking about my loneliness in some of my quieter moments.

I have been telling my nearest and dearest just how I feel about them, making sure they know they are very much loved and appreciated. Often it's not reciprocated, but I feel good for saying it, for letting them see that they are valued, and on a ridiculous note, I worry that if I don't tell someone I love them, and then something was to happen to them, that they would never know. Slightly bizarre, but given events in my past, completely logical to myself!!!

I have also allowed myself to take time out to just 'be'. To sit idly on the couch and watch a favourite show, or to have a sleep in, or to enjoy a drink or naughty cigarette on the front step late at night. Time to reflect has been nice, rather than rushing through my day and collapsing into bed without a few minutes to even think about anything.

I'm feeling a lot more settled, not as fearful of the future and generally happier in myself.

On the eve of my birthday I'm hoping that my next year will bring much more joy for A and I (as well as of course a settlement with my property dispute) and widespread health and happiness for my close friends and family.

Here's to the pursuit of happiness dear friends.

Mwah, Ellie xxx

Decluttering

I have come to a bit of a realisation; I'm a people pleaser, I love to please, and I love to feel appreciated.

It hurts me when I do something for others, expecting that they too will have the decency (perhaps too strong a word???) to give me the same consideration in return. I don't think they do it on purpose, but it stings all the same.

I've mentioned before my extreme disdain for ignored SMSs, but this goes one step further.

I no longer have to consider anyone else in my life except for my precious A. I don't have a partner whose needs I have to accommodate or predict. But I do have others in my life whose needs I constantly attempt to pander to. But no longer. I'm done putting it all out there only to be ignored, forgotten or simply considered surplus to requirements.

I'm too tired to be blogging at the moment, but really needed to get this out of my head.

I'm feeling a little antsy at the moment, I think a lot of it has to do with my ongoing legal battle with A's father, plus the fact he has a new girlfriend and is obviously moving on with his life, while I feel I'm still treading water. Don't get me wrong, I'm happy that he has found someone, I hope it makes him happy and therefore easier for me to deal with. But, if I'm honest with myself, I'm envious that he has that, especially after leaving us, while I'm still riding solo - but that's a whole other blog topic!!!

Anyhow, so back to the being ignored issue, I took the bold move of deleting some numbers out of my phone tonight, and when I say deleted, I mean deleted messages, deleted contact details, and I even went into my calls history and deleted all dialled calls as well. There is no way back from this. I no longer have those numbers - and I don't have them written down anywhere. These people are now persona non grata in my life - and I feel a bit relieved by that.

So, if you don't hear from me, but you want to - the ball is now in your court. I'm always up for a game!!!

Mwah, Ellie xxx

Home again - for now

I haven't been blogging much of late, it's been a crazy busy few weeks - but there is now light at the end of the tunnel. Phew.

I've just got back from Tassie from a full on work trip, plus immediately prior to that we finished our very own magazine and industry annual report - both of which I'm extremely proud.

I'm super tired, but again super proud of our efforts. I'm looking forward to just chilling out with my gal for a few days, but given the current hectic nature of our life it's probably not going to happen.

And just when I felt like I could start to relax, I found out that my 'property dispute' with A's father is due back in court on Wednesday - I just feel like 'when oh when will this ever end?'

I feel ever so slightly in limbo, I know I've rabbited on about this before, but I can't move on with my life until A and I know where we are going to be living. She wants to put the Christmas tree up, and wants to clean out what will be her cubby house - and I'm stalling. I'm stalling as I don't want her to get all excited about things and then for us to have to move house. I haven't even mentioned the possibility to her as that is something little people shouldn't have to worry about.

I have been looking at other houses, but none of them measure up to my place. I designed this place, I oversaw it's construction and I picked out every little detail - all with no help from A's father.

It is my home, our home, and I am determined to stay here - but that said, it's out of my hands at the moment, and now in the hands of our lawyers - the only people who seem to be 'winning' out of our sad situation.

Hopefully we won't have much longer to wait, although it has been almost three months since our last court date, 12 months since the court process started, and 19 months since A's father left us.

With those timelines in mind you can imagine how I am keen to move forward, to start planning my and A's life, so that we can get on with things knowing that we have a permanent home.

Many people have said to me that A and I would make any house in which we lived a home with our warmth and love, and I tend to agree, but I would just like to know where the house, and indeed that home, will be.

So keep your fingers crossed that our matter is resolved - I have made an offer which everyone I speak to considers to be more than fair, so I hope that A's daddy finally agrees.

I'll let you all know how I get on.

Mwah, Ellie xxx