Hell yeah - I'm back!!!

Well folks, I've finally found the time, and quite honestly, the need, to get back to blogging. It's been quite some time since I've sat and written about the randomness of my life, and I must admit that I've missed it.

I guess I've been indulging in some serious self-censorship given recent events in my life. Since meeting my gorgeous partner and becoming an unofficial step-mum to his two daughters, I've questioned whether it's appropriate for me to blog, as I don't wish to lay bare my soul only to have inappropriate eyes wander over my thoughts.

However, I've realised how cathartic blogging is for me. The indulgent (word of this post!!!) way to get my thoughts together and see them on a page, which in turn helps me to make sense of this mad world in which we live.

Overall life is pretty grand ATM, filled with sunshine, smiles and sweet little kittens.

My precious A is growing into quite the little lady, never failing to amaze and astound me with her blossoming knowledge. Not a day goes by where I don't marvel at her cleverness and pinch myself that this little, gorgeous creature actually came from me.

I must admit that almost three years since we took on the world together, we are doing better than ever.

The past 14 months have been spent with a lovely man who has given me strength to chase my dreams, whether they be as simple as putting up a new fence, or furthering my photography passion.

With him came two darling step-daughters whom I love like they are my own. While I would never try to take the place of their mother (as I would hate to have that done to me), I feel a strong sense of responsibility and an undeniable love for them, and now can't imagine life without them in it.

I'm loving the real sense of family, the merging of two little families to make a whole, and that warm fuzzy feeling which comes with all of that.

I think it's been good for A to learn to share, but more importantly to learn that there are others in life whom she can look to for advice and guidance, in a sisterly way.

I feel like I have so much to say tonight, however I think I will again indulge in a little self editing, and save some suitable thoughts up for future blog posts.

I hope once again you've enjoyed reading my ramblings, and that you can take something away from this that may help in your own lives.

Over and out for tonight.

Mwah, Ellie xxx

What the???

I'm feeling very frustrated tonight.

I truly hate being a single mother. I hate the thought that somehow I've damaged my child through no fault of my own.

It was A's daddy's birthday today, and so I thought I was doing the right thing by making sure she got to see him to celebrate his special day. But apparently that wasn't enough. He then needed to get in touch with me at work so he could pick her up two hours earlier than agreed. I made it happen though, as I would like to think the same would be done in reverse.

He then wanted to keep her later than the agreed time, meaning A would be late to bed tonight - again I agreed given it was his birthday, but with the request that she not be filled to the brim with sugar, which would make it difficult for me to get her to bed.

However, when A got home she was filled with comments from her paternal grandmother about her having too much sugar. Disappointing to say the least.

And then, to make matters worse, I asked to meet A's daddy's new girlfriend, who has been spending quite a bit of time with A.

I was met with hostility - to say the least!!! I feel so hurt and angry that such a seemingly reasonable request was met with scorn and belittlement. I really can't believe it.

I think it seems completely reasonable that I meet the woman who is attempting to 'co-parent' my daughter. I bear her no grudges, in fact I am grateful that my daughter thinks so highly of her, it means she cares for A.

I would genuinely like to meet her, to know her, to get along - in my head it makes perfect sense.

I want A to have a sense of family, to see that families CAN get along - no matter what their composition.

And I will make it happen - for my child's sake, if nothing else.

Mwah, Ellie xxx

Feeling free

I'm feeling very enlightened of late, more in touch with my thoughts, feelings and emotions - and I highly recommend it.

There has been so much going on in my life, I've been wanting to blog, but haven't known exactly which topic I wanted to make the focus. However, today I felt the need to blog about life in general, just to give you an insight into what's making me tick at the moment.

As you will all know I've been having quite a few difficulties with men in my life in recent times, but I'm thinking that I may have turned the corner - fingers crossed!!!

I have met a very nice bloke with whom I'm enjoying spending time, and who is definitely opening my eyes to the ways of the world. He is a very clever fellow who has the ability to converse freely, and who actually listens (I know, a novel concept hey!!!). I am really enjoying his friendship, and his company seems so easy to keep. It's certainly a nice change from spending so much time alone.

On another home front, A is blossoming into a beautiful little girl, filled with love and wonder, and who never ceases to amaze me.

I love the way her mind works and I can't get enough of seeing the world through her eyes. She is such a little gem, but growing so fast. We have been spending more time just hanging out at home together, enjoying each other's company. I am so lucky to have such a clever child who really does enrich my life - or, as A was described to me yesterday - provides my 'saving grace'.

On a professional note, work has been manic at times, but enjoyable as always. I'm loving my work, and I'm lucky to have one of the best bosses you could find. It's amazing what difference enjoying your colleagues' company can make.

So it seems life is good, and I'm certainly feeling 'freer', less tied down by others and more in control of where I am heading.

I still have a couple of issues to sort out when it comes to property matters, but hopefully that can be done sooner rather than later and then A and I will be truly free to move on as we see fit.

So here's to feeling free dear readers.

Mwah, Ellie xxx

Life is grand I hear you say

It's been a while since I've blogged because, as you are about to learn, I've been busy living and loving life, rather than spending my time keyboard-bound.

As you would recall from previous posts, I have committed myself to living in the moment, appreciating what I have, rather than pining for what I do not.

I'm a big believer of thinking positive thoughts in order to attract positivity into my life - and it seems to be paying off (finally I want to say!!! However I don't want to sound too demanding).

Life has indeed taken a turn for the better in our household. My precious A continues to astound and delight me, and our relationship seems to grow and intensify daily. She is my greatest achievement, and I am so so proud of the wonderful little person she is becoming. Her happiness is infectious, and I actually feel my heart swell with pride every time someone comments on how incredible she is. I am a very proud mummy.

My working life is also fabulous. I have a great job which allows me to work with a freaking awesome boss, who provides me creative freedom and the ability to pursue my passions.

My various jobs also seem to be going from strength to strength, with various clients impressed with my work, again which is so fulfilling.

I feel blessed to be able to do what I love while living in the country. I am so happy here, life is easily lived.

And now my personal life seems to be coming along nicely, with the addition of a new male friend who makes me feel incredibly desirable and alive - something that has been lacking in recent times.

It's amazing how the company of a good friend can enhance your life. This man has a heart of gold, such a caring nature, and seemingly completes me. I feel ever so lucky.

I find myself smiling most of the time, enjoying life and just feeling generally content. So, as this blog suggests, life really is grand.

I hope that your life is too.

Mwah, Ellie xxx

Random ramblings

Life has been interesting and a wee bit stressy of late. We've been dealing with dead and dying relatives, friends and pets, ongoing property disputes, and now, just to spice things up a bit, custody bitterness.

I've been trying to deal with it all as it comes, rather than feeling like it's all piling up on top of me, and it seems to be working.

Without those moments of shittiness my life in general is really pretty cool.

A and I have been hanging out, work has been awesome (but kinda busy), and time spent with friends has been fun.

I'm tending to concentrate on all the good stuff, something I pledged to do at the end of last year.

I'm still single, despite finding myself a young 'friend'. This young man, who predominantly is a friend, has helped to restore my self confidence which had been stripped away from me.

He makes me laugh, tells me how sassy and amazing I am, and generally makes me feel good about myself.

His friendship has really been a blessing in disguise. I can't thank him enough.

I've also achieved some significant milestones when it comes to my work, which again has helped to rebuild my self belief, again which had been lacking in recent times.

I'm smiling even more, enjoying good times, and finding myself continuing to marvel at every opportunity.

I've also given up on worrying about the future, again remembering to cherish and appreciate what I do have, rather than dwell on what I don't.

Tonight's is just a short blog, to tell you to live your lives to the fullest as you never really know what is around the corner.

So much love to all. Mwah Ellie xxx

Self-censorship

I don't generally subscribe to censorship of any form, but in saying that I am being a hypocrite.

You see, I keep two 'blogs', one available on-line and the other in the form of an old-skool journal, which I keep tucked away at home.

Although I touch on some pretty personal issues in my on-line blog, my journal remains the keeper of my innermost secrets, my fears, my pain, and my hopes, deemed too personal to be released into the world.

So therein lies my hidden self-censorship.

There are times when I can sit and write in my journal for hours, just jotting down what to others might be meaningless incidents, however to me they have seemingly cut straight to the bone.

I find the process cathartic. It's not healthy to carry some issues around in your head, constantly dwelling on them. Once I commit them to either keystrokes or paper I feel cleansed - it really is true that a problem shared is a problem halved.

My on-line blog has become a point of conversation in my life. I often find myself speaking to friends and acquaintances about my latest ramblings, and I am always intrigued as to their 'take' on my commentary. It is amazing how similar we all are as people once our defences are stripped bare.

I thought I was quite courageous by publishing my on-line blog, especially given I live in a 'country' town. However, I think I am self-censored courageous and perhaps need to actually commit fully to the process. I guess there aren't too many topics I haven't covered on here, so why not strip my defences bare and tell my entire story?

I'm not promising to stop writing in my journal, but I will attempt to delve into more personal issues on here, and I hope that will be okay with you - my readers.

And as a start I will just let you know it's 4.20am when I'm writing this. I've been awake for some time, dwelling on a shitty day yesterday, when I had to have one of my precious A's adorable and much-loved bunnies put to sleep. A doesn't know yet, although I did speak to her about her Aunty B needing to take CeeCee to be with her in the stars. I'm sure she will be devastated, as I was, and I will be there to comfort her of course.

Now that I've emptied my mind onto this screen I feel that perhaps I may be able to sleep, and surely tomorrow, or I guess that should be today, will be a better day.

Sweet dreams, mwah, Ellie xxx

Life is good

It's been a few days since I've posted cos life has been uber busy, but grand all the same.

I've had a holiday with friends, spent some time hanging out with cool people who love me for me and accept me as I am.

I've spent plenty of time with A, and I'm in the midst of planning a fun-guaranteed roadtrip with more super cool folks whom I adore.

Work is great, family is awesome, and friends are supportive = enjoyable times for all.

I'm smiling more, I'm living life, and I'm appreciating all that goes before me.

I find myself sitting quietly to admire the birds in the garden, just content in my own company. It really is a soul-enriching thing to do.

I've learned not to beat myself up over things which, despite being outside my control, go wrong. I am not responsible for other people's actions or decisions, and I can't change how they feel.

And again that is ok with me, I'm living, loving and enjoying MY life.

On another topic - but still related to my happiness, my 'necessities only' January didn't go entirely to plan, I blame new season boots for this - I'm hopeless when faced with leather loveliness in the latest styles - but believe me I will get much joy from them.

I'm also trying to make the most of every moment I spend with A. We are doing fun things like baking, craft and generally just making things. I think she is teaching me as much as I am teaching her, and I'm loving it.

I've been reminded lately how quickly time passes, and how fast things can change, so I'm even more determined to savour life's wonders, no matter how small.

Even as I type this I'm smiling just thinking about the little things I have enjoyed today, and just basking in their loveliness.

As I've told friends, it's onwards and upwards from here. I hope you will all join me in my quest for ongoing happiness.

Mwah, Ellie xxx