Self-censorship

I don't generally subscribe to censorship of any form, but in saying that I am being a hypocrite.

You see, I keep two 'blogs', one available on-line and the other in the form of an old-skool journal, which I keep tucked away at home.

Although I touch on some pretty personal issues in my on-line blog, my journal remains the keeper of my innermost secrets, my fears, my pain, and my hopes, deemed too personal to be released into the world.

So therein lies my hidden self-censorship.

There are times when I can sit and write in my journal for hours, just jotting down what to others might be meaningless incidents, however to me they have seemingly cut straight to the bone.

I find the process cathartic. It's not healthy to carry some issues around in your head, constantly dwelling on them. Once I commit them to either keystrokes or paper I feel cleansed - it really is true that a problem shared is a problem halved.

My on-line blog has become a point of conversation in my life. I often find myself speaking to friends and acquaintances about my latest ramblings, and I am always intrigued as to their 'take' on my commentary. It is amazing how similar we all are as people once our defences are stripped bare.

I thought I was quite courageous by publishing my on-line blog, especially given I live in a 'country' town. However, I think I am self-censored courageous and perhaps need to actually commit fully to the process. I guess there aren't too many topics I haven't covered on here, so why not strip my defences bare and tell my entire story?

I'm not promising to stop writing in my journal, but I will attempt to delve into more personal issues on here, and I hope that will be okay with you - my readers.

And as a start I will just let you know it's 4.20am when I'm writing this. I've been awake for some time, dwelling on a shitty day yesterday, when I had to have one of my precious A's adorable and much-loved bunnies put to sleep. A doesn't know yet, although I did speak to her about her Aunty B needing to take CeeCee to be with her in the stars. I'm sure she will be devastated, as I was, and I will be there to comfort her of course.

Now that I've emptied my mind onto this screen I feel that perhaps I may be able to sleep, and surely tomorrow, or I guess that should be today, will be a better day.

Sweet dreams, mwah, Ellie xxx