You've lost that loving feelin' ....

I am lonely. I feel alone. I am alone. I'm pining. It's pathetic, not to mention painful.

How did it get to this, and why? Did I do something wrong, has something happened that I missed?

Am I being punished? I think maybe I am, and probably deservedly so. Am I about to - or have I already - ruined a relationship before it even began.

It's typical of me to blame myself for others' actions. I don't think the whole world revolves around me, it's just that repeated incidences of cheating have left me with such little self confidence that I really do wonder how anybody could/would want to be with me.

And it seems it is happening again. Not the cheating. Just the changing of minds.

What seemed to be the beginning of a beautiful friendship cum relationship, has reverted to a friendship that seems to be ever so slowly winding back the cogs. I feel him backing off, pulling away, increasing that distance. And it's breaking my heart.

I hate it. It's making me miserable. But I would have to be blind not to see the signs. The ignored phone calls, the unanswered SMSes and emails, the decreasing time we spend together, and now we are going for days without seeing each other.

It's time for me to suck it up, face the facts and confront the inevitable.

Is this friendship dying? I really hope not, cos that would be just plain awful. We have been the best of friends for almost a year now. We have spent so much time getting to know each other during what has been a very difficult time for each of us.

We have helped each other through the darkest of days, provided shining lights for each other, and been there to help pick up the pieces. There is a bond there, there's no denying it. However we both have different views of what form it takes.

I used to think I would wait for him forever. But the longer this goes on, the more unloved I feel. I'm making myself sick with the constant questioning of myself, trying to read between the lines. It really is doing my head in.

So, I keep trying to pull back, to maintain just the friendship, and quash any other feelings I may have. I can't tell you how much it hurts to be ignored, it leaves you feeling worthless, as if anything you have to say is not worth replying to.

And so rather than wallow I shall continue attempting to move on. I think it's healthy. There is no way in the world I can write this relationship off. I still think we belong together, but I am no longer sure in what capacity.

I just need to convince my heart that we can survive. But as I've said many times before, the heart wants what the heart wants .... The trick is to allow it to want, and just to accept that.

Mwah Ellie xxx

It's better to have loved and lost ...

I've said it before, the heart wants what the heart wants, and sometimes that can't be reconciled with the mind.

I'm a very passionate person. When I love, I love with my whole heart, there's no half-way about it. I'm in, boots and all, and often it's all consuming.

I'm trying to learn how to pull back, to just give a little of myself, so that I can protect myself a little more and avoid reliving the hurt I have experienced in the past.

I'm definitely working on it, cos I know I'm not strong enough at the moment to cope with any more heartbreak. In fact I have made a vow with myself never to give all of myself again, I need to keep something just for me, and for A of course.

I did have grand dreams for the future, propogated not just by me I felt, but now I feel I have been wrong. I dreamt of happy families, of three lying in the sun, just passing time, growing old together. Happy times were to be had, much laughter filled the air, and smiles were aplenty. But it seems obvious now I was wrong. That happy family is not to be. It is to be perhaps just a happy mother and daughter, just the two of us, making the most of our lives.

Sure there will be friends filling our lives, some more than others, but to protect us perhaps it is best we remain a duo, a happy pair, and that way any harm should be minimised.

I feel very sad actually committing this to words, but know it must be said, in order to clear my thoughts and put plans into motion.

I feel as if I am grieving for a life I perceived would happen, but I shall mourn it, and then I shall recover, as I always seem to do. Sadness will be short-lived, I have a child to be happy for. She needs me, even if no-one else does.

I know I am a strong person, but I feel perhaps my strength has been sapped by recent ordeals. Perhaps taking some time to rest and recover may enable it to build again, enabling me to handle all this crazy world can throw at me.

Until then I will keep trying to bubblewrap my heart, keeping it safe, and allowing it to heal.

Mwah Ellie xxx

Home is where the heart is

They do say home is where the heart is, and I wholeheartedly agree, but what happens when the heart wants to be in a home that the pocket can't afford?

I'm struggling here, it's all getting too hard, I want to pull the covers over my head and make it go away.

I am swinging between absolute desperation/devastation and raging anger - and the problem is, nothing I do can solve this problem.

A property settlement held yesterday was meant to settle the dispute between A's daddy and I over the family home, which A and I have lived in since he left us 16 months ago. But it didn't.

I know there are two sides to every story, but honestly, all I can see is greed getting in the way of fatherly behaviour. I've been nice, I've tried to accommodate his needs - but he believes that he has to be happy for us to get along in the future, and by happy he means financially compensated.

I have my heart set on A and I staying in our home, the home she has grown up in. I don't associate any part of it with him, I no longer have any happy memories of the three of us in this house, he destroyed all of that when I found out what he had done. All I can remember is A and I having fun here, lying on the grass in the sunshine, swimming in our pool out the back, picking flowers, and playing with our pets. It breaks my heart to think I could have to leave all this behind.

How can he do this to us? Has he no compassion, no thought for the best interests of his child? No, all he can see is a way of hurting me, no thought for A, and for that he should be ashamed.

I think I'm in shock, cos I can't seem to properly comprehend what all this means. And tears just randomly fall whenever I think about our situation, and where it may lead.

In a bid to take control of my situation, I have started looking for houses, but anything I find which I like is way out of my price range.

I am trying so hard to be brave, to try to make the most out of this situation.

People have told me it will be like making a fresh start, it will give me the opportunity to make a new place my own, and that A will be happy no matter where we live.

But I had such big plans for this place, I honestly love it here, it has almost everything I need, and I feel so comfortable, and more importantly, so totally safe here. I DON'T WANT TO LEAVE.

Why does he get to do all the hurting (not that I want to hurt him, or anyone for that matter)? It's not enough that he cheats on me (and his daughter) with a skank, but then he gets to screw me over again by trying to cheat me out of my home. Fuck him I say, fuck him and the horse he rode in on.

I will never forgive what he did to me, nor will I ever forget. Nor will I ever allow myself to be hurt like this again.

I can feel my heart withdrawing, preventing access to others, I'm shutting myself off, I don't want to do anything that will expose me to further heartache. I can't. I won't. I am not strong enough to do any of this ever again - and I won't allow A to be hurt.

The child in me wants to run and hide, to stop bad things from happening. But the mummy who I have become knows she has to stand and fight for not only myself, but for my precious child who has done nothing to deserve this.

I am determined to make her proud, and one day when she is older she will know her mother did her best in a shit situation, and I hope she draws strength from that, cos goodness knows strength is the last thing I'm feeling now.

Mwah, Ellie xxx

The nothingness of being

I feel empty inside. Numb. My receptors have shut down to stop me from feeling this all encompassing pain and hurt which has completely overwhelmed me.

Best friends shouldn't argue. They shouldn't say things which can't be taken back. But they do, and they have. And it hurts.

But now I guess everyone knows where they stand. Whether they like it or not. And whether they can accept it or not.

I do feel a sense of regret and have a very real fear that our relationship may have been damaged forever. The eternal optimist within me says that shouldn't be the case, that if our friendship really is as deep and secure as we believe, then we will move past this.

I don't know what else to say. I am sorry. I am hurting. I am here. If you want to talk to me I will listen, and of course I will continue to love you, because the kind of love I have for you can't be turned on and off like a tap. It is something which I have never experienced before, it has flooded my senses, and I like the way it makes me feel. Perhaps that is why this hurts so much, and seems so unnecessary.

Not a lot of things in my world make sense, but one thing I know is that we have connected in a way that is impossible for other people to understand. I love you to bits baby.

I can't be without you.

Mwah Ellie xxx

Wow, I love that shade of green on you ...

I hate jealousy. It's an evil, nasty, negative feeling which serves no purpose at all, achieving nothing, contributing even less - and making you just feel like an all round shit person for feeling it.

I don't think I used to be a jealous person. Don't get me wrong, I have been known to be envious of 'things' other people have. But when it comes to men, I figure they can do as they please within reason, as long as they come home to me.

Perhaps that is where I have gone wrong in the past though. A marriage followed by another long-term relationship both ended by my male partner cheating on me possibly tells a story. I don't think I'm that hard to get along with, maybe I'm too easy going, too trusting, rather than being a jealous partner.

But I feel that changing within me. I think it is as a result of what has been done to me, making me question any relationships I may have.

I feel it now, with my bestie. We were lovers, but a no-physical-contact ruling has been brought into force (not by me of course), and all of a sudden any female contact with him has me feeling sick to the stomach.

I hate it. I don't want to feel it, and I try not to let on, but I know that he senses it and tries to explain it away. And again, that makes me feel sick to the stomach.

We are in the relationship you have when you don't have a 'relationship'. He provides all of my male needs, except for the sex, but I've touched on that before, and provides me with a wonderful sense of comfort and safety.

He is wonderful with my child, friendly to my friends, and all in all seems to be a perfect fit in my life. Except for he doesn't want to fit into my life, not fully, nor in a super committed way, which I understand and respect. I can't make him see what I see, nor make him desire what I desire, and in fact I have no desire myself to do that to him. We are all individuals, we make our own choices, whether they be good or bad, and we are all responsible for our actions.

But all of this does leave me feeling confused. And sad. And then ashamed of myself for feeling confused and sad, because he has been nothing less than honest with me. The heart wants what the heart wants ...

Anyhow, I long to be in a loving, committed relationship, to feel that love enveloping me 24/7, and I long to give all of my heart in return.

I may not be the stereotypical thin, blonde, pretty bimbo some desire, but I am one of the most down to earth people I know, with a good heart and as loyal as they come.

Surely after all of the shit which has occurred in my life during the past 6 years I deserve some loving to come my way.

Mwah Ellie xxx

Do you ever really know someone???

I'm sitting here after sorting through mountains of paperwork in readiness to visit the lawyer to prepare for what is hopefully the second and final court hearing for my property settlement, and it's got me thinking about what led to this point.

I really can't believe I'm in this situation. A single mum of a 3yo, with now not one, but two failed relationships behind me. The first was always going to happen. My parents told me not to marry him, but their disapproval only pushed me down the aisle quicker. What did they know?? Plenty it seems.

But the second, with A's daddy - I never saw it coming. He was such a nice bloke, I think he probably still is. But he committed the unforgivable - cheating not only on me, but also on our daughter. And how could I ever forgive that and still be a good role model for my child.

There are times when I think perhaps I should pinch myself because surely it must all be a dream. This can't have happened, not with him, this quiet country boy who used to call me his princess. He spoiled me at the start, nothing was too much, and then somewhere down the track it all went wrong.

I can't really put my finger on it, but I guess a turning point was my sister becoming ill. I know he was jealous of the time I spent with my family, leaving our relationship as a couple on the backburner. But it was obvious that my sister wouldn't be with us for long, so I needed to spend every last moment I could with her, cos I couldn't allow myself to have any regrets over that - there wouldn't be any opportunity for a 'do-over'.

And then, as she was dying, A was born, and I almost died delivering her. And he never recovered.

Perhaps that was the real turning point. Actually, the more I think about it, the more I think it was.

While a 'real' partner would have been there at my side, helping me through two of the hugest things you can ever face in life, he was absent, withdrawn into himself, becoming further and further selfish.

He barely visited my sister in hospital, and even failed to come to the hospital after I called him to say she had died. His mother even had to tell him to make sure he looked like he was being compassionate to me at her funeral - how sad is that.

And then he started nightshift - and our world as we knew it ended. He started his affair and started avoided both A and I - it should have been obvious, but I honestly wasn't looking for it. I had given him both my heart and my all-consuming trust - and I never expected he would break either of them.

All this from someone I thought I knew.

Don't get me wrong, I have since learned, since his real colours have been shown during this legal battle, that I am better off without him.

I have since met a man who has shown me how a real man behaves, and given me hope that the future is not quite so scary.

I think these feelings are surfacing as I prepare to close the book on this chapter of my life, allowing me to move on properly, instead of feeling like I'm floundering, swimming against the tide and really going nowhere. So it seemed important to get this out of my head, onto paper of sorts, so that my mind is open and accepting, and ready for the new challenges I am about to face.

And dear friends, I will need your love and support to get through this. And it makes me smile to know that it is already there, without me having to even ask.

It seems life is going to be looking up for me, and I am genuinely excited about the possibilities which lie ahead.

Mwah Ellie xxx

Hmmm what to say ...

I'm having one of those days where I'm feeling a little bit all over the place.

One minute I'm crying, the next I'm smiling, and the next I'm feeling all reflective again. I'm gonna blame it on hormones, one of the luxuries of being female I guess, as they tend to jump all over the place and have rather strange impacts on our behaviour.

I had a long, difficult but frank conversation with my bestie today. It was hard, but I guess it had to happen. As always he understood where I was coming from, and as always his honesty was appreciated. I really don't know what I would do without him, and I never intend to find out. It sounds a bit soppy and maybe cliched, but our love for each other really does run deep, far deeper that I could ever have imagined. We help each other out in so many ways, and know that the other one is always there if need be.

Perhaps another reason for my mood today is the fact a former teacher of mine died. I found out today. And it made me feel sad.

Death is a strange thing. After losing my sister I no longer fear death. I understand it has its place in life. I'm not saying I accept it, but I guess I understand it in certain circumstances.

I no longer mourn the death of the elderly who have lived long and fulfilling lives. Of course I feel sadness at their passing, but I feel that they have had an opportunity to live, to achieve goals throughout their lives, and often to have families.

My sister never had that chance. Death at 29 is not acceptable. It is not fair. And it makes me fucking angry. My parents will never recover from losing a child. My younger sister and I will always carry with us guilt that we are able to get on with our lives, while she lies in the cold ground. It makes me sick to the stomach. I don't often let on how I think about this as the death of a sibling is never an easy topic to broach.

Even as I write this my tears for my lost sister continue to roll down my face. Almost three years on it feels like it was just yesterday. Sometimes I can push it to the back of my mind, and attempt to enjoy my life, but sometimes it completely overwhelms me, and it all comes flooding back. The memories of pulling the blankets up around her cold face as she lay on her sterile hospital bed. Packing up her hospital room. Standing at her grave, tears pouring down my face while my daughter A cried inconsolably and I was unable to comfort her. People watching as I broke down, for the very first time publicly, after throwing a single rose onto her coffin, and then watching as it was lowered into that same cold ground on a wet Mt Gambier day.

I don't think I will ever be the same carefree, happy person I once was. That person disappeared more than six years ago when that diagnosis of leukaemia was handed down. And as much as I try, as much as I put on a brave face and try to move past all of that for the sake of my daughter, there are days when I am right back there again.

But thank goodness for friends, who have rallied to show their support and surrounded me with love. Without them I would have stayed in the dark, unable to move on. And move on I am, albeit slowly, and without the ability to ever forget.

That feels such a relief to write that down, to get it out of my head.

And now I must continue with my endeavours to progress my own life. To be there for my child, and to be there for my family and friends. All the while embracing my motto - life is short, live large!!!

This post seems to have jumped around a bit, and I hope dear friends you will forgive my ramblings. It has, if nothing though, been cathartic by nature.

Mwah Ellie xxx

Everybody needs good friends

It's true you know, you can choose your friends, but you can't choose your family. Not that there's anything wrong with my family, I love them all dearly.

But I have chosen my friends. And believe me, I have chosen very carefully.

Friendships need to be nurtured and efforts need to be made when it comes to developing lifelong bonds. And that's what I'm doing now. I'm making what I hope are friends for life.

I used to have a good crew of mates when I lived in the Adelaide Hills. The Barker Bratpack. A bunch of kids with too much money, too many toys, and much-inflated egos. They were good fun. Reckless, full of bluster and bravado, and always up for a drink and a good time. But most of them fell by the wayside after I split with my husband, who had happened to 'be involved' with a couple of them - nice.

Anyhow, I have never replicated that friendship group. I did pick up a couple of 'mates for life' during my time at Parliament House. And I have two girlfriends from school who I adore, but rarely see. The good thing about those two though, is that I can pick up the phone, or have an email conversation, or even when I do see them in person, simply continue a conversation like it was yesterday that we last caught up. Friends like that are truly hard to find.

Many of my friendships went south while I was with A's daddy, who was extremely antisocial. We rarely socialised for almost 5 years, and after the split I realised how alone I really was.

So, with that in the back of my mind, I set out to make friendships of my own, and I'm quite happy with the results.

I now regularly associate with a couple of groups, as well as spending time with my gorgeous bestie, who provides me with everything I could want in a man (except for the sex).

One group of gals comprises beautiful women I met after I had A. Our mother's group meets regularly, often sans children, and they have been a source of strength during the past 3 years. They were the first people outside my family I confided in when A's daddy left, and they have rallied regularly to pick me up off the floor, dust me off, and give me the confidence to try again. I really can't speak highly, or dearly, enough of them. They are beautiful inside and out, and I would be lost without them.

Then there is another group of gals whom have kindly 'taken me in'. I might call them my soccer gals, even though I don't play, but that is one thing they all have in common. They are a fun, loving and generous group, always ready with a listening ear, kind word or warm hug. Intelligent and funny, I have bonded quickly with them and love their company, and know that our catch ups will have a quirky bent.

And that leaves my gorgeous bestie. He is truly my soulmate as well as my best mate, and I absolutely adore him. I don't ever remember loving another person, apart from A of course, this deeply and unconditionally. He could tell me he'd killed someone, and I'd simply grab a shovel and offer to help him get rid of the body!!! My tolerance and like I said unconditional love, runs that deep when it comes to him. I won't hear a bad word spoken about him, and I can't ever imagine having a cross word with him, and I know that he will only ever tell me the truth.

I don't mean to rave on and on, but it is so hard to put into words how much I cherish this relationship, and how awesome it is. It's so nice to know that someone has got my back, and that no matter what trouble I may find myself in, he always wants to 'fix it'.

So in that regard, I am a very lucky gal to find myself surrounded with so many beautiful friends. I intend to keep each and every one of you in my life, and promise to be here for you when you need.

And a special shout to my bestie - honey you give the best hugs in the world!!!

Mwah Ellie xxx

Let's talk about sex baybeeeee

Let's talk about you and meeee ... oh hang on, that's the real reason for this post, cos there is no you - it's just me, and therein lies the problem.

I feel it appropriate to insert a warning here, that this post DOES contain adult content, so perhaps stop reading if you are easily offended.

You see, that's the whole problem, many of us like to talk about sex, but not always the dirty details when it comes to our own sex life, or lack thereof.

And that is part of my problem. I love love love sex. I love talking about it, thinking about, and getting right down to it.

So you can see my dilemma - cos I'm just not getting any, well that's not entirely true. I'm getting a little, sporadically, spasmodically, just a taste that whets my appetite for more. AND IT'S DRIVING ME CRAZY!!!

I try to suppress my urges, to distract myself from it, but it simply isn't working.

I wasn't like this all the time. I used to have what I considered a healthy sex drive. Content to get my 'fix' a couple of times a week. Enough to keep me happy, and my partner at the time satisfied.

But as I've gotten older I've started thinking about it more and more. And now I have to admit there are times when I can't get enough. Perhaps there is such a thing as the 'dirty thirties' - all good for those who are in relationships, or happy enough to drag home what they can find at the pub. But I'm just not one of those gals.

I want my sex steady and consistent, from the same disease-free source.

It takes me time to get comfortable enough to engage in shame-free sex. To let my partner do whatever they want with - and to - me. And I love it.

So part of my aim in writing this post today was to get it out of my head, in a bid to stop thinking about it a little, so I can concentrate on other possibly more important parts of my life.

So, what do I miss about sex ....

I miss that feeling you get when you kiss your lover. You know the one, your lips lock, tongues get involved, and then your mind, and it sends tiny, delicious electric shocks right through your body.

I miss being touched, not just in a sexual way. But having my hair stroked, my face touched, and fingers wandering randomly across my body.

I miss strong arms being wrapped round me, keeping me safe, and pulling them toward the chest of the strong man they are attached to.

I miss heavy petting on the couch, on the floor, in the car, in public, in a dark alley, or even on the bed!!!

I miss the feeling of two naked bodies entwined. The warmth of another's skin, the soft touch and the sheer thrill of what is about to happen.

I miss the intimacy of intercourse (good grief, should I say shagging, fucking, rooting, humping, going for it - I don't know!!!). There's a wonderful feeling about giving yourself to another, bringing them (and yourself) pleasure. It's a beautiful thing.

And finally, I miss that post-climax glow. That period of time when you both lie exhausted next to each other, basking in the euphoria you have created. It's delicious. I wish I could bottle that feeling and spray it all over me at will.

Anyhow, I guess by now you have realised that I miss sex.

I wish that you could dial-a-sex partner, similar to hire-a-hubby. Oh wait, you can .... they are called prostitutes!!! Tee hee.

Mwah Ellie xxx

The numbness of being

Hmmm ... that title sounds a little negative. But the reality is, it doesn't have to be.

It was a bit of a day of nothingness today - nothing exciting happened, there's no real story to tell, I don't have any exhilarating encounters to recount, and I didn't even see my bestie - perhaps that's what the nothingness centres around.

I haven't really seen much of him this week, and I'm not just sure why that is. I don't think it's a conscious decision, well certainly not on my behalf anyway. Although, I must admit, I haven't been as proactive in my contact. I figure this lovely man has just come out of a decade long relationship, he needs time to find himself, and I don't want to get in his road.

I miss him dreadfully, but some of this is for my own good too. I'm trying so hard to stand on my own two feet. Just me, myself and I - looking after A. It's hard, and I'm struggling, but I'm determined to succeed.

Sometimes I feel like I'm drowning in a sea of, hmmm, something I'm not sure of, but I can feel myself getting dragged under, struggling to suck in the air, and basically floundering. It's an awful feeling, but at times like that I have learned to step back and just pause for a second, giving myself just enough time to gulp down a couple of mouthfuls of air, just enough to allow me to recover. And then I'm okay again.

I'm sure many single/solo mums feel this way. I know that I try to think long-term, but end up just living day to day. I am building my level of resilience though. I can feel myself becoming stronger, ever so slowly, with my confidence levels inching up ever so slightly.

I am going to need all the strength I can muster though, as I'm on countdown til my property dispute with A's daddy goes to court for a settlement conference. August 16 is D-day - I can't say I'm looking forward to it, cos I'm not, but I am looking forward to this whole shit situation being resolved.

Meh - to say I'm over it would be a huge understatement. Fingers crossed it all goes my way, otherwise A and I are in for a world of change.

Anyhow, enough of my indulgent ramblings ...

Til next time.

Mwah Ellie xxx

Is there anybody out there???

I've been thinking about my post from yesterday, and just wanted to pick up on one of the themes - the life of the single/solo mum.

I'm wondering if perhaps this is the way it's meant to be, just A and I against the world. Of course with our wonderful, gorgeous, loving and supportive friends.

I don't know, don't get me wrong, I would love a man in my life. In fact I have one, but he's just a friend, sometimes with benefits, but when it boils down to it, I am alone.

Sometimes that's a good thing. I can hear myself think, I can do as I choose, and I don't have to answer to anyone. It's a selfish life, but it's a lonely one. I quite like not having to answer to anyone. I really am able to do as I please, as long as it fits in with A, without having to explain myself to anyone. That has its appeal. But it comes at a price.

I also quite like the idea of having a life partner, someone to come home to, to love and spoil, and to know that they will catch me whenever - if ever - I should fall.

I guess I have that person already, he is my bestie, my rock, and my true and trusted confidante. But he is not my boyfriend. He has helped me out of trouble on numerous occasions, from small things like fixing a door or hooking up some electrical device, to helping me financially, and offering endless emotional support.

I really don't know what I would do without him. I believe he is my soulmate. But for now, and possibly forever, he is not my boyfriend/partner or whatever you like to call it.

I think I would like to try a relationship with him, just to see what happens. But I would hate for it to compromise our friendship, which is so real, so deep, and so awesome.

I guess this is one of those times one could use a crystal ball, something to help look into the future so that decisions could be made without any risk of anyone being hurt.

I can't get hurt anymore if I stay single. I won't allow it to happen, I can't go through it again.
Pain inflicted from past relationships took a long time to heal, and the scars are still visible. I don't have it in me to go through it again. And I won't allow my child to be hurt.

So perhaps I have answered my own question, it seems I am destined to be alone, maybe to become a crazy old cat lady, or a hermit, or something like that.

Meh - I guess I could get used to that!!!

Mwah Ellie xxx

Time flies when you are sleep deprived

The saying is oft true, time really does fly when you are having fun. However, that very same saying can be bastardised to also apply to the really shitty times in life. You know the ones, those times when you barely have time to think, to register how things are passing you by, when you are bogged, not in the depths of despair of any major drama, but rather just bogged in the everyday shittiness that can oft accompany life.

I should have learned by now to ignore that very same shittiness, as my mantra has become that life really is too short. I've lost a sister, I've lost friends, I've lost a husband, and I've lost a partner whom I believed was my soul mate. I am VERY familiar with loss, I wear it like a comfortable, cosy scarf, wrapped round my neck. Sometimes it gets a little tight, and I have to remind myself to adjust it, so that I am no longer conscious of it being there. Sometimes I can actually take it off, but it returns, just to remind me of my past.

Tis ok tho, I'm used to it. I've adapted, acclimatised and adjusted to loss. We are old friends now, there's a feeling of understanding - if he leaves me alone, I will promise not to cling too tightly to anyone.

I do try to keep to that agreement, however I believe my family is off limits. I do however, have a friend that I am clinging to. My lovely friend has fast become my rock, he's my hero, my saviour, and it is he that I really honestly believe is my true soul mate. But I have taken a vow, that thy must not cling. So, what to do, what to do???

I pull back, I bubble wrap my heart, I try not to cling. Sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn't. But I do try. I want him to be more than my friend, my soul mate, my rock. But that call is out of my hands - a feeling to which I am not generally accustomed. I do like to be in control, I'm not sure if that is a flaw, or the sign of a strong woman who knows what she wants.

But sometimes this strong woman is not so strong. Today was one of those days - you see today was the day my baby turned 3. This time last year A's daddy and I were freshly separated. He left us after having an affair - nice work. But I was still under the impression that he was coming home, that we could make a go of it, that I could forgive and he could repent for the sake of our child. Wrong.

So today was A's first birthday with me as a single mum. And believe me, I felt it. I watched the other mums at A's party, all taking photos of their kids with their phones, and sending them off to their dads, showing them what a good time they were having. Twas a little sad - or perhaps I was feeling a little fragile, and just downright sorry for myself.

I can't believe that a) three years have passed since A arrived, b) almost 16 months have passed since her daddy left, and that c) I am slowly getting used to this single mum bizzo.

But as I said in the title of this blog, time really does fly when you are sleep deprived!!!

Mwah Ellie xxx