Time flies when you are sleep deprived

The saying is oft true, time really does fly when you are having fun. However, that very same saying can be bastardised to also apply to the really shitty times in life. You know the ones, those times when you barely have time to think, to register how things are passing you by, when you are bogged, not in the depths of despair of any major drama, but rather just bogged in the everyday shittiness that can oft accompany life.

I should have learned by now to ignore that very same shittiness, as my mantra has become that life really is too short. I've lost a sister, I've lost friends, I've lost a husband, and I've lost a partner whom I believed was my soul mate. I am VERY familiar with loss, I wear it like a comfortable, cosy scarf, wrapped round my neck. Sometimes it gets a little tight, and I have to remind myself to adjust it, so that I am no longer conscious of it being there. Sometimes I can actually take it off, but it returns, just to remind me of my past.

Tis ok tho, I'm used to it. I've adapted, acclimatised and adjusted to loss. We are old friends now, there's a feeling of understanding - if he leaves me alone, I will promise not to cling too tightly to anyone.

I do try to keep to that agreement, however I believe my family is off limits. I do however, have a friend that I am clinging to. My lovely friend has fast become my rock, he's my hero, my saviour, and it is he that I really honestly believe is my true soul mate. But I have taken a vow, that thy must not cling. So, what to do, what to do???

I pull back, I bubble wrap my heart, I try not to cling. Sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn't. But I do try. I want him to be more than my friend, my soul mate, my rock. But that call is out of my hands - a feeling to which I am not generally accustomed. I do like to be in control, I'm not sure if that is a flaw, or the sign of a strong woman who knows what she wants.

But sometimes this strong woman is not so strong. Today was one of those days - you see today was the day my baby turned 3. This time last year A's daddy and I were freshly separated. He left us after having an affair - nice work. But I was still under the impression that he was coming home, that we could make a go of it, that I could forgive and he could repent for the sake of our child. Wrong.

So today was A's first birthday with me as a single mum. And believe me, I felt it. I watched the other mums at A's party, all taking photos of their kids with their phones, and sending them off to their dads, showing them what a good time they were having. Twas a little sad - or perhaps I was feeling a little fragile, and just downright sorry for myself.

I can't believe that a) three years have passed since A arrived, b) almost 16 months have passed since her daddy left, and that c) I am slowly getting used to this single mum bizzo.

But as I said in the title of this blog, time really does fly when you are sleep deprived!!!

Mwah Ellie xxx