I hate jealousy. It's an evil, nasty, negative feeling which serves no purpose at all, achieving nothing, contributing even less - and making you just feel like an all round shit person for feeling it.
I don't think I used to be a jealous person. Don't get me wrong, I have been known to be envious of 'things' other people have. But when it comes to men, I figure they can do as they please within reason, as long as they come home to me.
Perhaps that is where I have gone wrong in the past though. A marriage followed by another long-term relationship both ended by my male partner cheating on me possibly tells a story. I don't think I'm that hard to get along with, maybe I'm too easy going, too trusting, rather than being a jealous partner.
But I feel that changing within me. I think it is as a result of what has been done to me, making me question any relationships I may have.
I feel it now, with my bestie. We were lovers, but a no-physical-contact ruling has been brought into force (not by me of course), and all of a sudden any female contact with him has me feeling sick to the stomach.
I hate it. I don't want to feel it, and I try not to let on, but I know that he senses it and tries to explain it away. And again, that makes me feel sick to the stomach.
We are in the relationship you have when you don't have a 'relationship'. He provides all of my male needs, except for the sex, but I've touched on that before, and provides me with a wonderful sense of comfort and safety.
He is wonderful with my child, friendly to my friends, and all in all seems to be a perfect fit in my life. Except for he doesn't want to fit into my life, not fully, nor in a super committed way, which I understand and respect. I can't make him see what I see, nor make him desire what I desire, and in fact I have no desire myself to do that to him. We are all individuals, we make our own choices, whether they be good or bad, and we are all responsible for our actions.
But all of this does leave me feeling confused. And sad. And then ashamed of myself for feeling confused and sad, because he has been nothing less than honest with me. The heart wants what the heart wants ...
Anyhow, I long to be in a loving, committed relationship, to feel that love enveloping me 24/7, and I long to give all of my heart in return.
I may not be the stereotypical thin, blonde, pretty bimbo some desire, but I am one of the most down to earth people I know, with a good heart and as loyal as they come.
Surely after all of the shit which has occurred in my life during the past 6 years I deserve some loving to come my way.
Mwah Ellie xxx
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