It's better to have loved and lost ...

I've said it before, the heart wants what the heart wants, and sometimes that can't be reconciled with the mind.

I'm a very passionate person. When I love, I love with my whole heart, there's no half-way about it. I'm in, boots and all, and often it's all consuming.

I'm trying to learn how to pull back, to just give a little of myself, so that I can protect myself a little more and avoid reliving the hurt I have experienced in the past.

I'm definitely working on it, cos I know I'm not strong enough at the moment to cope with any more heartbreak. In fact I have made a vow with myself never to give all of myself again, I need to keep something just for me, and for A of course.

I did have grand dreams for the future, propogated not just by me I felt, but now I feel I have been wrong. I dreamt of happy families, of three lying in the sun, just passing time, growing old together. Happy times were to be had, much laughter filled the air, and smiles were aplenty. But it seems obvious now I was wrong. That happy family is not to be. It is to be perhaps just a happy mother and daughter, just the two of us, making the most of our lives.

Sure there will be friends filling our lives, some more than others, but to protect us perhaps it is best we remain a duo, a happy pair, and that way any harm should be minimised.

I feel very sad actually committing this to words, but know it must be said, in order to clear my thoughts and put plans into motion.

I feel as if I am grieving for a life I perceived would happen, but I shall mourn it, and then I shall recover, as I always seem to do. Sadness will be short-lived, I have a child to be happy for. She needs me, even if no-one else does.

I know I am a strong person, but I feel perhaps my strength has been sapped by recent ordeals. Perhaps taking some time to rest and recover may enable it to build again, enabling me to handle all this crazy world can throw at me.

Until then I will keep trying to bubblewrap my heart, keeping it safe, and allowing it to heal.

Mwah Ellie xxx