You've lost that loving feelin' ....

I am lonely. I feel alone. I am alone. I'm pining. It's pathetic, not to mention painful.

How did it get to this, and why? Did I do something wrong, has something happened that I missed?

Am I being punished? I think maybe I am, and probably deservedly so. Am I about to - or have I already - ruined a relationship before it even began.

It's typical of me to blame myself for others' actions. I don't think the whole world revolves around me, it's just that repeated incidences of cheating have left me with such little self confidence that I really do wonder how anybody could/would want to be with me.

And it seems it is happening again. Not the cheating. Just the changing of minds.

What seemed to be the beginning of a beautiful friendship cum relationship, has reverted to a friendship that seems to be ever so slowly winding back the cogs. I feel him backing off, pulling away, increasing that distance. And it's breaking my heart.

I hate it. It's making me miserable. But I would have to be blind not to see the signs. The ignored phone calls, the unanswered SMSes and emails, the decreasing time we spend together, and now we are going for days without seeing each other.

It's time for me to suck it up, face the facts and confront the inevitable.

Is this friendship dying? I really hope not, cos that would be just plain awful. We have been the best of friends for almost a year now. We have spent so much time getting to know each other during what has been a very difficult time for each of us.

We have helped each other through the darkest of days, provided shining lights for each other, and been there to help pick up the pieces. There is a bond there, there's no denying it. However we both have different views of what form it takes.

I used to think I would wait for him forever. But the longer this goes on, the more unloved I feel. I'm making myself sick with the constant questioning of myself, trying to read between the lines. It really is doing my head in.

So, I keep trying to pull back, to maintain just the friendship, and quash any other feelings I may have. I can't tell you how much it hurts to be ignored, it leaves you feeling worthless, as if anything you have to say is not worth replying to.

And so rather than wallow I shall continue attempting to move on. I think it's healthy. There is no way in the world I can write this relationship off. I still think we belong together, but I am no longer sure in what capacity.

I just need to convince my heart that we can survive. But as I've said many times before, the heart wants what the heart wants .... The trick is to allow it to want, and just to accept that.

Mwah Ellie xxx