Home is where the heart is

They do say home is where the heart is, and I wholeheartedly agree, but what happens when the heart wants to be in a home that the pocket can't afford?

I'm struggling here, it's all getting too hard, I want to pull the covers over my head and make it go away.

I am swinging between absolute desperation/devastation and raging anger - and the problem is, nothing I do can solve this problem.

A property settlement held yesterday was meant to settle the dispute between A's daddy and I over the family home, which A and I have lived in since he left us 16 months ago. But it didn't.

I know there are two sides to every story, but honestly, all I can see is greed getting in the way of fatherly behaviour. I've been nice, I've tried to accommodate his needs - but he believes that he has to be happy for us to get along in the future, and by happy he means financially compensated.

I have my heart set on A and I staying in our home, the home she has grown up in. I don't associate any part of it with him, I no longer have any happy memories of the three of us in this house, he destroyed all of that when I found out what he had done. All I can remember is A and I having fun here, lying on the grass in the sunshine, swimming in our pool out the back, picking flowers, and playing with our pets. It breaks my heart to think I could have to leave all this behind.

How can he do this to us? Has he no compassion, no thought for the best interests of his child? No, all he can see is a way of hurting me, no thought for A, and for that he should be ashamed.

I think I'm in shock, cos I can't seem to properly comprehend what all this means. And tears just randomly fall whenever I think about our situation, and where it may lead.

In a bid to take control of my situation, I have started looking for houses, but anything I find which I like is way out of my price range.

I am trying so hard to be brave, to try to make the most out of this situation.

People have told me it will be like making a fresh start, it will give me the opportunity to make a new place my own, and that A will be happy no matter where we live.

But I had such big plans for this place, I honestly love it here, it has almost everything I need, and I feel so comfortable, and more importantly, so totally safe here. I DON'T WANT TO LEAVE.

Why does he get to do all the hurting (not that I want to hurt him, or anyone for that matter)? It's not enough that he cheats on me (and his daughter) with a skank, but then he gets to screw me over again by trying to cheat me out of my home. Fuck him I say, fuck him and the horse he rode in on.

I will never forgive what he did to me, nor will I ever forget. Nor will I ever allow myself to be hurt like this again.

I can feel my heart withdrawing, preventing access to others, I'm shutting myself off, I don't want to do anything that will expose me to further heartache. I can't. I won't. I am not strong enough to do any of this ever again - and I won't allow A to be hurt.

The child in me wants to run and hide, to stop bad things from happening. But the mummy who I have become knows she has to stand and fight for not only myself, but for my precious child who has done nothing to deserve this.

I am determined to make her proud, and one day when she is older she will know her mother did her best in a shit situation, and I hope she draws strength from that, cos goodness knows strength is the last thing I'm feeling now.

Mwah, Ellie xxx