The numbness of being

Hmmm ... that title sounds a little negative. But the reality is, it doesn't have to be.

It was a bit of a day of nothingness today - nothing exciting happened, there's no real story to tell, I don't have any exhilarating encounters to recount, and I didn't even see my bestie - perhaps that's what the nothingness centres around.

I haven't really seen much of him this week, and I'm not just sure why that is. I don't think it's a conscious decision, well certainly not on my behalf anyway. Although, I must admit, I haven't been as proactive in my contact. I figure this lovely man has just come out of a decade long relationship, he needs time to find himself, and I don't want to get in his road.

I miss him dreadfully, but some of this is for my own good too. I'm trying so hard to stand on my own two feet. Just me, myself and I - looking after A. It's hard, and I'm struggling, but I'm determined to succeed.

Sometimes I feel like I'm drowning in a sea of, hmmm, something I'm not sure of, but I can feel myself getting dragged under, struggling to suck in the air, and basically floundering. It's an awful feeling, but at times like that I have learned to step back and just pause for a second, giving myself just enough time to gulp down a couple of mouthfuls of air, just enough to allow me to recover. And then I'm okay again.

I'm sure many single/solo mums feel this way. I know that I try to think long-term, but end up just living day to day. I am building my level of resilience though. I can feel myself becoming stronger, ever so slowly, with my confidence levels inching up ever so slightly.

I am going to need all the strength I can muster though, as I'm on countdown til my property dispute with A's daddy goes to court for a settlement conference. August 16 is D-day - I can't say I'm looking forward to it, cos I'm not, but I am looking forward to this whole shit situation being resolved.

Meh - to say I'm over it would be a huge understatement. Fingers crossed it all goes my way, otherwise A and I are in for a world of change.

Anyhow, enough of my indulgent ramblings ...

Til next time.

Mwah Ellie xxx