Getting my groove back

It's amazing what difference a few days make.

I haven't felt myself for the past little while, felt a bit like the world has been against me, not entirely a 'woe is me' state of mind, but definitely a touch a negativity.

I feel like I've had a heap of shit going down, property dispute, custody arguments, falling out with friends, friends going through rough spots, and finally the death of my Nan.

But I've decided that's all behind me now, I'm reverting to a previous theory of onwards and upwards from here on in.

So it's good to find myself smiling so much more, laughing all the time, and generally enjoying my life.

I am lucky to have such wonderful friends and family who love and support me. I know I only have to pick up the phone and one of them will be here, or will just listen to me on the end of the phone, and together we can work through any issues.

My life with A has also become more settled, we are getting into more of a routine, and this new routine has allowed us to really enjoy spending quality time together, doing fun mummy and daughter things. She is growing up so fast, and I am so proud of the little person she is growing into. Despite all the bad things that have happened in her short life, she has a fabulous personality and is a real character - I genuinely adore her.

I still suffer from bouts of loneliness, but again my friends have been quick to rally round, and I'm definitely making more of an effort to do things on the weekends when A is with her father.

I actually feel like the Ellie of old, the one who used to live life to the fullest - I can remember the last time I felt like this - it was the week before Anzac Day 2009. I know this because at the end of that week I found out about A's father's affair - and my life as I knew it ended.

But that passion for life, that love of living has returned, and so my spirits have soared.

So how do I harness that passion? And how do I make sure it remains?

I've decided to allow myself time for me, to do things that I really want to do. I started last night - entering fashions on the field at the Mt Gambier Harness Association's Gold Cup. I actually surprised myself by taking out 3rd place. That has done my self-confidence wonders, I have smiled all day.

I'm also exercising more, which has also made me feel better. And I'm savouring the tiny things in life that make me happy - like A telling me I'm her best friend, cosy snuggles with baby bunnies, a quick coffee or wine with friends, and just anything that brings joy.

I also try to take a moment to sit quietly in the sunshine, whenever I can (I know, I know I live in Mt Gambier, hardly the sunny centre of the world!!!), and just reflect on how great my life really is.

Incidents like Australia's East Coast floods have also made me appreciate just how awesome my life is. Those poor folks are now faced with not only the loss of loved ones, but a huge clean up as well. I can't imagine how awful that must be.

I may not have the biggest and best of everything, but I have worked hard to get what I have and I really do appreciate it.

So don't be surprised if you see me round the place beaming, or flashing a grin in your direction - and don't forget to smile back, cos it really does make you feel better.

So here's to smiles and sunshine. Mwah, Ellie xxx

Living with no regrets

I've been reminded again today of the importance of living without regrets.

My Nan died early this morning, she slipped quietly away after falling asleep yesterday and passing on to a world where I believe life is peaceful and without pain - I'm not sure if that's true or not, but it's something I have to believe.

I went to see Nan yesterday, she was asleep for most of my visit, but briefly opened her eyes to look around the room. I took her hand, kissed her soft face and told her I loved her before I left. I didn't say that I would see her again, because I knew that wasn't the case - for me it seemed obvious the end wasn't far away.

I've spent the morning thinking about the lovely times we had when I was a child. I used to sleep over occasionally with Nan and Pa, sharing many jokes and having a lot of fun. There were always delicious treats and their country house presented many opportunities for mischief.

Perhaps one of my funniest memories is of my Pa teaching me (as the eldest grandchild) to ride his motorbike. I got the hang of it no worries, but he forgot to teach me how to stop. I rode round and round the top paddock, flogging the little bike up and down hills, but when I decided I had had enough I rode back to the fence near the shed, and simply couldn't stop - the barbed wire fence stopped me though, and I still have the tiny scars on my face from that adventure.

The next time I rode it I knew how to stop, and it was part of Pa's rules that when you pulled up on the bike you revved it to make sure it was out of gear. So I pulled up outside of the shed, revved the bike, and it took off backwards - without me on it!!! This time the shed door stopped the bike - with part of the shed door being knocked off.

I ran off howling to the house, crying out for Nan, worried that Pa would be cross at me for 'breaking his shed'. Nan thought it was hilarious, and laughed so much she almost cried. I spent the rest of the afternoon hanging out with Nan, trying to avoid Pa - who really wasn't even worried about the shed door!!!

My Nan had the cheekiest smile and laugh, she could work up a real cackle when she found something amusing. She really was a funny lady.

Her decline started several years ago, following the death of my Pa. She kinda lost her will to live, and since then her life was a gradual slide towards the end.

Once she moved into the nursing home, our family and close friends started a tradition, we would meet every Tuesday at 2pm at McDonald's for coffee and cake. Often there were about 20 people there, spanning four generations of the Earl family. The wheelchair taxi would drop Nan off and we would stay for an hour, just catching up and shooting the breeze in general. My precious A will have fond memories of this time, as I will ensure she remembers her Great Nanna Earl (who happens to share A's birthday of August 3) as a funny lady, rather than the way in which I last saw her.

Nan wasn't able to make it to Maccas in the last few weeks, she was simply too ill, but the rest of us will continue to meet there when we can.

My beautiful sister and I went to visit Nan a couple of weeks ago. She couldn't talk and was propped up in bed. We talked to her, told her what was going on in our lives and then, as we went to leave, she started to cry. That just about broke my heart. She knew what was happening, and I'm pretty sure she knew she wouldn't see us again, which again just about broke my heart.

But life will go on, we will mourn Nan, we will bury her, but we will never forget her.

And I will always remember her as she was, not as what she became in the last few weeks. And this is where I come back to living without regret.

Life really is too short to live with regrets. So make the most of opportunities which present themselves to you. Love deeply and laugh often, knowing that yes you may get hurt, but then again, your actions could result in the best thing in the world happening.

Your life is what you make it - so grab what you love with both hands and NEVER let go.

Here's to living!!!

Mwah, Ellie xxx

Tired

I'm so tired, yet I can't sleep. I have so many thoughts running through my mind.

Today was far better than yesterday, but my emotions are still torn over the apparent ending of a friendship.

Don't get me wrong, I haven't decided to end that friendship, but I have a feeling the sparks of love which once fuelled it have almost been extinguished. It seems a shame, but life will go on.

I have been absolutely overwhelmed by the love and support I have received since my last blog post. It really has lifted my spirits and reassured me that I have portrayed my situation accurately.

I can't say thankyou enough to everyone for their posts, FB messages, PMs and SMSs - each and every one of you holds a special place in my heart.

I also had time today to think about two of my friends who are facing rather difficult situations, both of them life and death, and it certainly has put my issues into perspective.

I of all people should know how life should be cherished, I've seen how easily and how quickly it can be snatched away, and sometimes I get cross at myself for forgetting this.

Often it takes something rather serious to jolt me back to reality, and to force me to reassess my life - which I must say, if you take out a couple of negative issues, is pretty freaking good.

Like I said earlier, I really should be asleep now, but I really needed to get these thoughts out of my head, which hopefully will allow my brain to rest.

I hope that sweet dreams await not only me, but all of you as well.

Mwah, Ellie xxx

Hurt

More hurt. More pain. More tears.

I've just had a rather awful conversation with a friend, one that again has reduced me to tears.

I've spoken before about my relationship with a man which had become one of wonderful friendship. What started as a physical relationship turned to solid and supportive friendship, filled with love and honesty.

But as I've mentioned before, it has changed in recent weeks, to a point where we hardly see each other.

So much so, that it seems he can no longer confide in me, which has broken my heart.

We helped each other through extremely difficult times in our lives, my relationship breakdown and the ending of his marriage, both through infidelity on the part of our significant others. So we bonded, we promised to always tell each other the truth, and to always be there for each other.

But another woman has come into his life, and rather than tell me about it, he has (I feel) lied by omission.

So, back to today's conversation.

We had plans for yesterday, plus we were both going to a mutual friend's party last night. He cancelled both at the last minute, saying he was heading off to Adelaide to spend some time with his family. Obviously I was disappointed, but understood the importance of time with family especially given certain circumstances.

He said he would be back from Adelaide today, so I was rather shocked that when he popped up on Facebook for a chat that he was no longer in Adelaide, saying instead he had decided to head north for a break.

Despite my shock I was thrilled that he had managed to get some time off work to have a much needed holiday, but surprised that he would do so alone.

But obviously he's not alone. My query as to whether his new 'friend' was with him was met with hostility and avoidance. He wanted to know 'what if it was' her who was with him, a strange response I felt, but one which further cemented my opinion.

I said I thought that it was nice they were having a break, but queried why he hadn't told me of his holiday plans, especially that 'heading north' involved holidaying in Alice Springs, hardly a last minute decision.

Our conversation quickly turned nasty, with him saying that he felt he couldn't tell me because of my suspected reaction.

Of course this offended me, given our previous pledges of honesty. I wanted to know why he had not told me of this new relationship, and felt hurt that he could no longer confide in me.

And rather than understand my position, he went on the attack, saying I was not behaving in the way in which a friend should.

In my opinion, that would be the pot calling the kettle black.

Okay, I admit I have not been as supportive of his new relationship as I may have, but only because I can see it for what it is, but I have tried, and I have been honest about this.

On the other hand, he has told me lies, they started as little white lies I believe in a bid to spare my feelings, and grew into lies by omission, but now I feel they are out of control. And again I am so hurt.

I feel so sad that this relationship has turned sour, and is now festering into an unhealthy sore.

I am also crippled with guilt over the fact that A adores this man, who has virtually disappeared from our lives. What am I to tell her? How do I explain this to a 3yo? I feel so so bad, and in turn angry.

I am being blamed for his lack of honesty, and now my child will suffer. This is not acceptable.

Our conversation did not end on good terms, and I don't know if I will see him again. I have left that decision to him. I feel I do not deserve to be treated in this manner, and he feels I have not supported him nor reacted as a friend should. But I refuse to take all of the blame. We are both at fault, but I feel he cannot see that.

So I have left him to go on with his NT holiday, while I will attempt to pick up the pieces of the mess we have made.

I don't know what the future will hold, but it has cemented my lack of trust in people, and further heightened my conviction to never ever get hurt like this again.

Mwah, Ellie xxx

Setting a challenge

I just wanted to let you all in on something I'm going to be doing during January. I've been inspired by my lovely friend E who has declared January an 'unnecessary purchase-free month'.

It got me thinking. How often do we buy crap that we don't really need? I know I'm absolutely hopeless, so I'm going to do something about it.

E has decided that her children don't need any more pieces of 'plastic crap' cluttering their rooms nor their mind, and I am with her on that.

People who come to my house often marvel that only one child lives here, given the huge array of toys that A has. She certainly doesn't need anything else in a hurry - especially given that we've just had Christmas and again she was spoiled rotten by my parents, who absolutely love their two grandchildren to bits.

I also do not really need anything. I have more clothes than I can poke a stick at - those who have visited my favourite room in my house (my walk in robe) can certainly attest to that, I am swamped with shoes, and don't even talk to me about jewellery, especially since I received some for Christmas as well, which will quell my desire for a little while.

So, here is the challenge which I am setting myself: No unnecessary purchases for a month, with two goals in mind.

Firstly, I will not be adding to the existing clutter in our home.

Secondly, I hopefully will save some money - and goodness knows that as a single mother I certainly really need to do that.

I do have one rider on my challenge though, I will not be going without my daily take away coffee. That said, I shall limit myself to one, and only on the days that I work, as goodness knows how my day would go if I didn't arrive at work without my jumbo capp!!!

So as far as I can tell, that only leaves food to buy. I will also ban any alcoholic purchases for the month, as technically that is not a necessity.

I know it sounds silly, but I'm actually really looking forward to seeing how I go. And I do seem to recall someone saying that if you can do something for four weeks then it becomes a habit - sounds good to me!!!

So here is to reducing my clutter, saving my coin, and generally cutting down on unnecessary spending.

I will let you know how I get on. And much love and thanks to E, who in a very short time has fast become an inspiration.

Mwah, Ellie xxx