It's not me, it's you

I've had an interesting day/night.

Today was a brilliant day at work, so much fun, so much achieved, and general ecstatic feelings about the outcomes.

But sitting amongst the couples one really does feel a bit out of place.

In general I'm happy with my own company, except when it comes to receiving a bit of attention-cum-affection.

I love to be the life of a party, responsible for many wild stories and plenty of laughs.

But I still can't shake this feeling of loneliness that seems to have wrapped itself round my shoulders like a familiar old scarf. Most of the time I don't mind it, I know it's there, it's reassuring in a way, but it's not always necessary.

And if I'm honest, I find myself jealous of happy couples. I'm even worse when I see happy families these days - mum, dad and children just enjoying each other's company. I love to see it, but I almost always feel that pang of regret, wondering 'what if'.

Sometimes I ask myself what is wrong with me. Why aren't I wanted? Why aren't I one of these coupled up people, with that one person in my life who I know will be there whenever I need, for whatever I need.

Don't get me wrong. I have plenty of friends, and I have an intimate group of very special and cherished mates whose company I adore, and who I know will be there at the drop of a hat.

But I don't have a 'mate', if you know what I mean. Hence the loneliness.

And it seems worse when A is with her father cos I really am home alone. I quite enjoy some quiet time, cos being a full-time single mum is hard work, and I take my hat off to those who do it with multiple kidlets. I struggle and I only have one.

But it's night time, when you want to snuggle on the couch, share a tender kiss, or cuddle up in bed that I really feel it the most.

I'm sure I'm not alone, cos I am discovering just how hard it is to find that one person who 'fits' into your life. So others must feel it too. Doesn't mean I'm happy about it though.

I'm not sure if I'm doing something wrong, or if it's just the way life is. But I would love to change it.

Feel free to let me know if you have anything to contribute - I'm certainly open to suggestions!!!

Mwah, Ellie xxx