Turning over a new leaf

I've done some things of late of which I'm not proud. Found myself in some inappropriate situations, and reacted in ways which are very un-Ellie-like.

And while I've known they weren't right, it's taken til a very honest and confronting conversation with a precious friend tonight to put my finger on what has been behind this bad behaviour.

I don't feel comfortable going into the specifics, but let's just say I have violated my own strong moral code. I'm not proud, but I refuse to allow myself to live with regrets. Let's just say what has been done cannot be undone. I will go forward, I will not regret it, but then again I will not repeat those same mistakes.

It appears I try to 'fix' myself with indulgences. Whether that be material possessions or affection, it seems to be true.

I crave attention/affection. I guess most of us do. I love nothing more than feeling loved, that wonderful sense of being the centre of someone's world. It's a reassuring feeling knowing that someone thinks you are just the best.

I haven't felt it for a while now. It's been ages since someone told me I was their princess, that their world orbited around mine, and that my needs came first in their priorities.

Of course I know I am A's world. That goes without saying. But she knows no different. I adore being showered with hugs and told that she loves me 16 out of 10. And it's heartwarming when I come home from work to be told "Oh mumma, I really missed you while you were at work". Moments like these bring me endless joy - and I do remind myself how lucky I am.

However I am slowly getting used to the fact that perhaps it's meant to be that I fly solo. And I need to reassure myself that that is ok.

I don't need to indulge myself to bury that pain. I need to embrace it, face the fact that perhaps it is best if I am single for a while.

A wise friend told me that I should never place my happiness in the hands of another. I don't think truer words have ever been spoken. I need to work on making myself happy. I don't think I need to be 'fixed', I'm pretty awesome just the way I am.

I have many talents, my life is in fact rather awesome, but just a tad lonely.

So rather than material possessions I intend to fill that numbing void with my own thoughts, my own plans, and devise a way to achieve the woman I want to be.

I shall be strong, I shall be interesting, I shall be happy. I shall also be the best mother to A that I can be. She will be proud, and she will grow to become a strong, independent and proud young woman with a mother who is a positive role model.

While A's happiness is paramount, I also need to acknowledge that a happy mother raises a happy child. If I am happy, then so shall she be.

I feel good in confronting this. I've been avoiding facing my fears for a while. I've buried them under a host of behaviours - and not all of them have been healthy.

So here's to the future, to a stronger, healthier and happier Ellie.

And here's also to having wise friends, particularly my two Ks - this gal genuinely appreciates your friendship, and my life is richer with you in it.

Mwah, Ellie xxx