I.Am.Done.

I feel so sad. I’ve come to a realisation and feel like my heart has been wrenched from my chest.

Many months ago a friend came into my life, and my world was turned upside down.

This friend changed my way of being and I instantly fell deeply in love.

Loving words were exchanged, followed quickly by loving acts, and my heart was gone, it no longer belonged to me.

The blissful happiness lasted only a few months before the goal posts were changed.

“We” were a little secret, nothing conducted in public, with many trysts taking place in private – something which seemed entirely appropriate at the time.

But then something changed, and the whole friendship apparently needed to be redefined – none of which was to my liking.

Promises which were made felt like they were being retracted, although denials were made about their intent.

My head listened, my heart refused to believe it. Surely this was a mistake, what had changed to bring about this change of heart?

But I accepted the new conditions, just a friendship, no benefits, as no promises had ever been made for the future apparently.

And so things continued, happily enough I guess, with daily contact and regular catchups.

But it seems in recent weeks things have changed again. The contact has dwindled, the visits have almost stopped, and a whole lot of hurt has set in on my behalf.

I feel that I have been ‘replaced’, something to which I’ve unfortunately become accustomed.

I knew that this would happen, I’m hurt and disappointed because the reason given for the halt in our relationship was that he wanted to be alone.

And despite my queries he has assured me that he and his work colleague are ‘just friends’. I want to believe it, but it just doesn’t sit right. I’m sure something is going on and I want to be okay with it, but I can’t escape the ill feeling in my guts, the churning, the questioning, the lack of explanation and the increasing absence.

I’m trying to suck it up, but I just feel slightly devastated. I’m hurt beyond words, tears will fall at the thought of this mess, and I’m struggling to hold it together.

It’s funny though, because as these thoughts tumble from my mind and onto the page, my hurt has subsided a little.

My angst is easing, my self loathing slightly evaporating, and my anger subsiding.

I still want to scream, I want to stamp my feet and punch something til my fists hurt, anything to take my pain away. But I won’t, cos I would hate for people to see the real me, the hurt me, the one who isn’t coping, when I am always counted on to be strong.

God forbid anybody see the me who hurts, who feels every emotion so strongly, who struggles to keep it together for the sake of my child.

Not many people have seen that side of me. The side that wants to curl up into a ball and sob my sad eyes out. It’s not pretty, and it’s not done often, as like I said, the tough exterior remains hard to be cracked.

So perhaps I should walk away, from the relationship as a whole. Put it behind me and appreciate it for what it was, rather than what it wasn’t. Cos the longer this drags on the more resentment is building in me. I feel like I have been used until something – or more to the point, someone – better has come along. It’s not good for already flagging self-confidence.

Perhaps I walk away, head held high, knowing I helped a friend in need, ensuring that their life was brighter with my friendship.

I think he is confused, I know he loves me, but I no longer understand in what capacity. And again comes the frustration and my confusion – and obviously my hurt (which seems to be the word of this blog!!!)

I just want the pain to go away, the situation to never have happened perhaps. Yes I wouldn’t have the lovely things he has bought me, but I also wouldn’t have experienced the heartache and heartbreak which has gone hand in hand this entire time.

I no longer want to be at his beck and call, just waiting for him to return my call or sms. It’s rude and I hate being ignored. I’ve lost count of the hours I’ve spent just waiting for him to get in touch. Or waiting for him to turn up at a prearranged time, only to be stood up, left waiting like a fool.

I can tell as I type that the resentment is flowing from my fingertips. And as I sit and think sorrow is bubbling up. Sorrow for having hurt me. For possibly having hurt my child. Sorrow for the hope you gave me. I want my feelings for you to leave my body. And I never want to be hurt like this again.

I can’t take the games anymore. I won’t. It’s going to stop. It has to stop. That’s it – it’s over, I’m done, and you are going to become part of my history. Thanks for the memories, unfortunately your recent behaviour has led to some of those happy memories being tainted by hurt (that word keeps popping up). But if I stop now perhaps that too will stop and you will just become a distant memory who brings a smile to my face when I think of you.

Yes, I think that's what I need to do. I will do. It is done.

Mwah, Ellie xxx