Hmmm what to say ...

I'm having one of those days where I'm feeling a little bit all over the place.

One minute I'm crying, the next I'm smiling, and the next I'm feeling all reflective again. I'm gonna blame it on hormones, one of the luxuries of being female I guess, as they tend to jump all over the place and have rather strange impacts on our behaviour.

I had a long, difficult but frank conversation with my bestie today. It was hard, but I guess it had to happen. As always he understood where I was coming from, and as always his honesty was appreciated. I really don't know what I would do without him, and I never intend to find out. It sounds a bit soppy and maybe cliched, but our love for each other really does run deep, far deeper that I could ever have imagined. We help each other out in so many ways, and know that the other one is always there if need be.

Perhaps another reason for my mood today is the fact a former teacher of mine died. I found out today. And it made me feel sad.

Death is a strange thing. After losing my sister I no longer fear death. I understand it has its place in life. I'm not saying I accept it, but I guess I understand it in certain circumstances.

I no longer mourn the death of the elderly who have lived long and fulfilling lives. Of course I feel sadness at their passing, but I feel that they have had an opportunity to live, to achieve goals throughout their lives, and often to have families.

My sister never had that chance. Death at 29 is not acceptable. It is not fair. And it makes me fucking angry. My parents will never recover from losing a child. My younger sister and I will always carry with us guilt that we are able to get on with our lives, while she lies in the cold ground. It makes me sick to the stomach. I don't often let on how I think about this as the death of a sibling is never an easy topic to broach.

Even as I write this my tears for my lost sister continue to roll down my face. Almost three years on it feels like it was just yesterday. Sometimes I can push it to the back of my mind, and attempt to enjoy my life, but sometimes it completely overwhelms me, and it all comes flooding back. The memories of pulling the blankets up around her cold face as she lay on her sterile hospital bed. Packing up her hospital room. Standing at her grave, tears pouring down my face while my daughter A cried inconsolably and I was unable to comfort her. People watching as I broke down, for the very first time publicly, after throwing a single rose onto her coffin, and then watching as it was lowered into that same cold ground on a wet Mt Gambier day.

I don't think I will ever be the same carefree, happy person I once was. That person disappeared more than six years ago when that diagnosis of leukaemia was handed down. And as much as I try, as much as I put on a brave face and try to move past all of that for the sake of my daughter, there are days when I am right back there again.

But thank goodness for friends, who have rallied to show their support and surrounded me with love. Without them I would have stayed in the dark, unable to move on. And move on I am, albeit slowly, and without the ability to ever forget.

That feels such a relief to write that down, to get it out of my head.

And now I must continue with my endeavours to progress my own life. To be there for my child, and to be there for my family and friends. All the while embracing my motto - life is short, live large!!!

This post seems to have jumped around a bit, and I hope dear friends you will forgive my ramblings. It has, if nothing though, been cathartic by nature.

Mwah Ellie xxx