Too many tears

I need to write this down. I need to get it out of my head.

So much shouting, so much name calling. Ugly words spoken, can't be taken back. Too much hurt. Too many tears.

How did it get to this? And why? And when will it end?

Arghhhhhh .....

Two days of fun-filled work, a sensational therapeutic acupuncture session and excitement at being reunited with A after four days away from her all came crashing down with a few harsh words from her father.

My genuine query about what they had been up to while I had been away was met with defensiveness, deflection, and downright accusations.

What business of mine was it, apparently, to probe into their time. Why did I care, why should I care, and so on and so forth ...

My reply was one of astonishment. My interest in my child's life is my major concern. I love her, I want to talk to her about what she's been up to. I don't think it's too big of an ask.

But I'm a bad person, apparently. I manipulate, I blame, I abuse - in his opinion. Apparently I'm manipulating my family, telling stories about them and him, and others are reporting back. I find this so very hard to believe, as it's simply not true. I have only ever spoken the truth - which obviously he finds too hard to believe himself. It's hard when you are at fault, when you are the one to blame for tearing a family apart. It must be a terrible cross to bear. I wouldn't know, as I've never done it.

Oh, and apparently I am far from perfect (keep in mind I can't ever recall declaring myself such) - and I should be looking at myself to see why the men in my life keep cheating on me. Again, super harsh, super mean, super cruel.

The words ripped at my heart, my instinct was to attack - but I found it hard to speak with the tears falling.

I could only manage to say that I found it so very hard to be perfect while dealing with the death of my beloved sister, and the pressure of being a brand new mum. I'm sorry, I said, I'm so sorry that I had to deal with this - but I had no choice.

My only choice would have been to keep my sister, but it was not an option, so I dealt with her loss the best way I could, by seeking refuge in my daughter, absorbing myself in her care.

But the words still sting. Why can't we just get along. Just smile and be kind, for the sake of our child.

Unfortunately we are tied together for life, through A. At some stage we need to get along - the sooner the better as far as I'm concerned.

There were so many other mean things said tonight. I genuinely tried to be polite, but I must admit my anger and hurt overwhelmed me.

I chose to walk away though, to shut the door and shed my tears in private.

Family and friends rallied immediately, more tears, more hugs, kind words.

And a special visit from my bestie, soothing words, warm hugs, and reassurance that I am a good person who deserves to be loved.

What would I do without my bestie? He's my rock, my heart and my soul - I love you honey xxx

Mwah Ellie xxx